I told you that we've been having a rough patch. Well, I believe that when you have a question, you should pray about it. Ponder it. Formulate you own answer in your mind, then pray about whether or not that answer is the right one. How else will you know if it's correct, right?
So, my question on Friday night was, should I stay with CPT. I was tired of all of the crap. All of the fighting. And I tested out the "leave" option. I prayed about it. About making up my mind to go. And ALL weekend long I felt like crap. Sick, headaches, down in the dumps, unmotivated to do anything, a-social (because anti-social is what Jake is - hehe), weepy, broken hearted. Yeah, not liking the feelings that came with the testing out of the choice to leave.
Sunday, we had Stake Conference. I blogged about that already, and how it was cancelled, and we went home early. And had the rest of the day at home. And I felt horrible. I took some cold meds, and ended up sleeping on the couch most of the day. CPT played board games (RISK) with the kids, and they had SUCH a wonderful time. I really like watching his positively interract with the kids.
Jake volunteered to clean the backyard. It was one of the things that we were dinged on from housing. CPT and the kids got a fire going in our fire pit, and burned a lot of the wood laying around. Jake put in a lot of work, and the backyard looked SO much better when he was done.
At the end of Sunday, right before I went to bed, I pondered on my experience over the weekend. It was an answer to my prayer. I am a very feeling based person. Emotion based. Whereas CPT is logical. Thinking. When I pray, I get answers through emotions. I feel a certain way. When we were looking to buy our house in Chicago/Joliet area, I was sick the whole day, EXCEPT for the time that we looked at the house that we bought. I felt that that meant that we were to buy our house that we bought.So, because I prayed to know if my choice was right or not, and I felt extremely crappy and uncomfortable and unhappy all weekend long, I KNEW it was the wrong answer. I went back to my room, and prayed again. This time about staying. About renewing my commitment to make it work. To trying harder. To doing whatever I could to make this marriage good again. And I knew that it would be ok. I still kinda felt sick. I knew that wouldn't instantly go away. But my heart felt less troubled. And my anxiety went away. I felt less sad. I felt comforted. It was definitely an answer to prayer!
CPT was deep in a game of RISK with 3 of the kids, and I didn't wanna bother him. I was about ready to pass out because of my cold meds (and it was my bedtime), so I typed him up a quick email with my apologizes for the weekend and my prayer experience, and I went to bed.
Monday, the kids had the day off, and so did CPT. I had a 9am with our therapist. I told her about my experience, and she was very understanding. She thinks its great that we are so devoted to our religion. I don't know how many active members of the "Mormon" faith that she's known :) Our faith is important to us!
Anyway, she told me that it took us 16 years to dig ourselves into the mess of a marriage that we made (very true), and a few counseling sessions will not dig our way out. It's gonna take a lot of time and effort and sweat and tears and clawing our way out. OK, I can buy that. Makes sense. She said we will have to fight tooth and nail to save this marriage.
We didn't know each other when we got married. Not at all. I made CPT my life for years and years and years. Not his fault, not my fault, just what we did. And when I got on my meds, I broke free from that. I found that I could have my own personality and life. But I cut him out. And now I have to find a way to let him back in. And it's gonna take work. On both of our parts. Me letting him in, and him not getting offended he isn't my whole world. Paradigm shift.
Anyway, before I'd left for therapy, I'd asked him if he wanted to go on a "date" with me, and he said yes. When I got home, he was exercising, and as soon as he got home and showered, we headed out. The kids started on lunch, and had big plans for games and movies and such for the day. hehe.
First, we went to Jasons Deli for lunch. SUPER yummy! Love it! He had a Reuben with extra meat, and I had a California Chicken something or another on a croissant with a side salad. LOVE that place. Next, we went to see Beautiful Creatures in the movies. NEVER heard of that one before my mom said she went to see it on Friday. It was really good. So it's a book series? Should I read it???
Next, we went to Michaels to get a frame for a drawing that CPT had done for a going away gift for a guy in his unit. He needed to finish it tonight. He does such a good job. Then, we headed home.
And we got there just in time. There was a slight melt down going on. Jake and Joe. But we caught it just in time. The internet wasn't working, so I couldn't get the texts from the kids' iPods telling me that there was some tension. We called Time Warner to get it straightened out, and got a run around. It was the Router. No it's the Modem. No its the internet. Sigh. Get it straightened out, people!Anyway, CPT and I ended up having a really good day together. He's still a bit "guarded" with me. Lois, the therapist, said that he would be. He's afraid of emotions. He keeps it in the intellectual realm. She said for me to pretend that I don't notice it, and try and connect with him on an intellectual level. Because I was gonna have to put myself out there first. And I could do that.
We talked about his "OCD" stuff. And just having her acknowledge it helped. The fact that I'm not crazy and imagining it goes a LONG way. She said that we have to get the relationship good before we can work on it, though. I'm cool with that. I can do that. As long as I can see the hope in the future. That's all I need :)
Click on the link below to go to my account to download the PNG file, and leave some love if you like my work. Thanks!
