Dear Bethany...HURRY HOME!

Captain America stopped by tonight to drop off a note from Bethany. I am truly missing my friend! Sigh...

~Hilary

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Hey Girls! Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive. And feeling a lot better. A lot more like myself. Captain America even mentioned it last time he visited. That he recognized me. I'd gotten pretty bad over the last month, and hadn't really recognized it.

Yesterday was a good day. And I'm liking the people a lot. George, Mara, Valencia and Karon. Good people. They are definitely making the stay a lot more enjoyable.

Today is Friday and I'm starting to get bored. hehe. I need something to wash or clean. ROFL! And if you'd seen my house this past month, that is a HUGE change for me. I was lacking in energy and didn't do anything. I'm looking forward to even little things, like chores. I just need to pace myself.

Faith Based Group was really good today. We talked about making the decision to be happy, and changing our lives to reflect that. Cut out the bad, and add in more good.

I want to make my home a better environment by the music, by the things we do and talk about in our house, having more of a spirit of prayer.

I want to start getting up earlier to get ready for the day, to pray and study, to journal my feelings. I'm looking forward to these changes. I think I was looking outside to find things to make me happy, when I should be finding things within to make me happy. I find myself craving those things now. The good things.

Right now, I'm in Faith Based Group, and I hope that this session is as good as this morning's session.

HA! It was! We're learning a lot about choosing our thoughts. It's so true!

It's now 3 PM, and I'm hanging out in free time. We really do have a lot of free time. 2 of my friends went home today. Our little group is getting smaller and smaller. I now have my own room. But I'll miss Karon. She was a good roommate! :-)

I wrote individual notes to each of the kids. I hope they like them, and I hope they know how much I love them. Because I really do love them. And while I feel bad that I left them to come here, I recognize that this will make me stronger for them. And they deserve that!

Update #2 - Captain America's Email

Sorry this got on here so late. Captain America thought he hit SEND last night. Thank goodness it was still in his DRAFTS folder! This update is from Captain America:

~Hilary

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Bethany was in quite good spirits. These last two visits I recognize the Bethany that I haven't seen for ...I don't how long. It is quite good!! She told me about the things of her day. I enjoyed very much listening to her. She talked about how she is eating more...the foods on her menu plan. It is tough to eat that only and get enough food, but she is doing a good job of eating foods that help her feel good. She realizes now that starving herself probably brought her to this point. And she said something like...I don't know why I quit eating...what a silly thing to do?! Yep, no doubt! Well, that is why they have mental health hospitals...because we all get off track from time to time! But she also recognizes that had she stayed away a few more days...of not eating...who knows what would have happened!!

She talked about how she is cold all the time. I brought her, upon request, more long sleeve shirts and warm socks, and another heavy hoodie. I also brought her a hair dryer and shampoo, lotion. She wants to make herself look and smell 'girly'. That is a real good sign!

I gave her this night's notes from the kids. They drew hearts and Eme drew a 3 drawings of horses for her mom. She told her to 'come back to me'. I thought that was cute. Eme & Joe miss her maybe the most and don't quite get what is going on. Jake and Tom are more absorbed into their self and Jimmy is just too short in the britches! Jake drew a soldier ordering her to come home and that he missed her.

She mentioned how she let one of the guys in her group read the Book of Mormon. He asked if it was a mormon bible, but she explained how the Book of Mormon is a companion to the King James version of the Bible. But in the Americas...another Testament of Jesus Christ. Good job on sharing something so great, Sweetie Pie! She mentioned how one of the guys in the group is having some serious relationship issues. And his wife wants him to stay in program longer instead of leave tomorrow.. He was devastated. There were two other women in the group and they all got together, held hands and said prayers with him for his behalf. That was really great I thought.

She mentioned some of the 'crazies' there...what they do and say. But those folks in her section are normal, but are simply having mental health issues...like she is. She said being there and listening to others' problems, she see that her life is pretty darn good. As they say in the Army, 'look left, look right...and know that those two are having it just as bad as you, but probably worese.' So that perspective is helping her a lot. Service to others...takes the pain of the issue off.

The other Bethany that was in her room prior is back in the group. They had some friendly banter about who was Bethany #1 (like Thing #1 & Thing #2 arguing about their names?!). She reasoned that not only was she older, but her last name ended closer to the start in the alphabet! Of course, she is always number one in my book!

She is learning in the group to choose to be happy. And she is striving for that. It is greatly contributing to her view on who she is.

Together we have an appt with a therapist at 4 pm. I'm looking forward to that. We read a little on three conference talks from the am Saturday session of General Conference in 2009. They are great talks. She is trying hard to feel God the Father's love for her. That is really the core issue...She at times doesn't feel worthy of his love...or even know if he knows her. So she is praying hard to feel that (please pray for her in this regard especially.

Wow, I"m really tired so I'm going to tie this up. Enjoy and I'll give you an update of some kind tomorrow.

-Captain America

Wish I Had More To Report

Good morning, y'all! Please forgive me for not putting something on here last night. I didn't see Bethany today, but I did talk with her for a bit on the phone. When Captain America saw her last night she didn't write anything down for me to blog. So he was going to go home and email me a summary of her day, I suppose. Anyway, my daughter ended up getting sick and I went to lay down with her in bed to help comfort her and I ended up dozing in and out throughout the night (depending on when she would wake up running to the bathroom).

So as of this morning, I still don't have anything from Captain America. So I will just tell you from what I heard from her on the phone. She sounded good still. She said she was eating much better than before. She even ate a whole chicken breast at lunch with some cucumbers. She said on Wednesday she only saw the psych for about 5 minutes and then again for about 5 minutes on Thursday. She said she doesn't like the fact that she is "stuck" there all day and night only to talk to someone for 5 minutes. So she hopes that Captain America will break her out of there. hehe. Then we just chatted back and forth about this and that. Not sure what all we talked about. She doesn't get much time on the phone so it was a short conversation. But I am always glad when she can call. Hopefully tonight I'll have more to report. Sorry this update is short.

I wanted to share a picture with you though. Yesterday it rained. I had just picked my kids up from school and made it back home. When we pulled into our driveway, this AWESOME rainbow was in the sky. I have never seen a rainbow so large and so bright and so pretty in my life. The picture doesn't do it justice! Thought I would share it with y'all.

~Hilary

Click on the picture to see it in full

A "Short" Note From Bethany

Hello Elegant WordArt peeps! I just wanted to express my gratitude to all of you who have left well wishes for Bethany. As I typed this there is over 150 comments, not including the flood of emails to my email account. All y'all rock! With all the support and love and prayers in her behalf, Bethany will get well. I know it'll be a long road and it won't get better over night, but with all the support and love, it will help it move faster!

Today I got a call from a number I didn't know, so I let it go to voicemail. My thing is, if it's important they'll leave a message. Well I got a message and I listen to it and about started to cry! It was Bethany calling me and I just missed her call! She knew I wouldn't answer a number I didn't know, so she left a message so when she tried to call again, I'd know it was her. She sounded good on the voicemail but I was super sad I missed her call! I was with Aimee so she pouted right along with me.

I wasn't going to be seeing Bethany today since she only gets an hour for visitors and I didn't want to take up any time for her and Captain America. Captain America did tell me last night that I can go see her one night but to let him have a few nights first. But of course! And if she is allowed to call, and she calls me, then I'm good with that too! But I'd really like to see her as well.

A few hours later I got another call from Bethany and this time I answered it. I chatted with her for a little bit. She assured me that she was doing good and she wasn't just putting on a "happy" voice. And then it occurred to me that I really didn't know if she was just telling me that or not. You see, I can tell from her texts and in person when she is hiding something from me. But this was THE first time I have had a real conversation with her on the phone. We usually text or we're with each other. So I decided today, as much as we really don't like talking on the phone, that I am going to have to actually call a few times to her instead of texting. Texting is great and all, but sometimes you really ought to listen to a person's voice. Did that make sense?! So Bethany, if you read this when you get home, be prepared to get a few phone calls from me!

I wasn't home to access the computer to see how many people had commented. I told her that this morning before I left there were about 109 comments not including the ones in my email. I told her that I was positive there were more since it had been a long while since I checked. She was very touched by the responses. I wanted to be able to read her a few of them, but I just summed it up with what everyone was basically saying: "Get well, you are loved, you are in our prayers, we miss you!" I told her she had a great group of people following her and loving and supporting her. She wanted me to tell all y'all THANKS! I think it choked her up a bit, to be quite honest with you.

So she told me that she had a few pages written that she wanted me to put on her blog. So tonight when I saw Captain America, he handed me the papers. Yeah, there is more than a COUPLE of pages. Try 7 pages! hehe! I'd write a 100 pages for her if that is what she sent home! So I'll shut up now and start typing out what she wrote.

Oh quickly, I want to clarify something first. She says in the letter that she told me at 9:00 that she was wanting to take some sleeping pills and such and that I got there about 10:00. Ok, yeah no that isn't how it happened! I'd have NEVER taken an hour to get to her unless I was an hour away! I texted with her about 9:00ish and she said she wanted to take the day off and lay in bed. After chatting a bit with her, nothing seemed out of the ordinary so I told her I was going to do a short workout and then I'd check on her again. After my workout is when she told me that she had been fighting the urge for 2 hours to take sleeping pills and to hurt herself. RED FLAG! I threw on a hoodie and sped over to her house in my stinky, sweaty workout clothes. It was THE longest drive. I made her text with me the whole time and I got to her house only about 10-15 minutes after (we don't live right by each other). So, yeah, I have the texts to prove that I didn't make her wait an hour! I didn't want y'all to think I was that horrible as to do that! :-)

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Hello Everyone! Wow, you know when I woke up Tuesday morning, I had no idea I would end up sleeping in a mental hospital! LOL! And no, it wasn't a dream. Sigh. What a crazy few weeks it has been.

So I woke up Tuesday morning feeling down. I got kids ready for school and out the door. We were running low on groceries, and I just didn't have the mental energy to do it. I was a little short with the kids, but did manage to have family prayer with them. That's good, right?

So after they leave on the bus, I put in a movie for Jimmy and lay back in bed. And I am miserable. And don't want to do today. I just wanna go back to sleep and make it go away. And I really, really wanted to take a few OTC sleeping pills to make sure I slept. So I laid there for almost 2 hours trying to decide what to do.

Part of me wants to take them and sleep. The sad part. The hurting part. The rational part of me said to call Hilary and tell her how I felt because I knew that she would be right there to help me. Because that's how good of a friend she is. She's worried about me. And honestly, I guess I've given her cause to worry as of late.

So finally, at 9:00, I tell her. And she comes right over. By 10 AM she's there and helps get Jimmy ready for school and got him to the bus, and directs me to shower and get ready for the day. So I showered and put on makeup and fixed my hair real nice and put on my new clothes from yesterday's thrift store trip. Even though I felt like crap on the inside, I looked pretty on the outside. That's gotta count for something.

We stopped at Circle K just outside the gate for a refill and headed to Hilary's house. She recognized that I needed to get out of the house. Captain America called while she was getting ready and we talked. He was back on post from the field, and I filled him in on how bad I'd really gotten. I'd practically stopped eating. I even passed out on Monday morning while trying to get something out of the fridge. I know, not good.

And about how I'd been hurting myself when I got upset. In the past week, I've scratched both arms so bad that it left marks, and hit myself on the forearm so much that it left a HUGE bruise. At the time, I was thinking that if I hurt myself, the pain inside over whatever I was feeling would be less. And right after I did it, I did feel better. Messed up, I know.

Anyway, I filled Captain America in and he said that he was taking Hilary and I to lunch at Carlos and Mickeys and that we were both eating. She finished getting ready and we drove to the restaurant to meet him. He was already there and had a table and had ordered for us. And I stressed about the salad the whole time. I don't even know if it was good. But I made myself eat the whole thing. Sigh. My stomach wasn't liking it. And now the "just go puke it up" feeling was back. Sigh.

After lunch we dropped by Howdy's for a soda for Captain America. Then Hilary went to do errands and I went with Captain America. He was worried about me and didn't wanna wait until Tuesday for me to be seen. He took me to ACS to talk to a counselor. And I just sat there and cried while they talked about me for 5 minutes. Why do I do that? So the counselor recommended that I go to the hospital. Whaaaat? Yeah, that's not what I wanted to do. Why did I tell anyone in the first place?

So we stopped at the house to see Jake and Jim real fast, then went to the mental hospital. We'd called insurance real fast to make sure it was covered, which it was, and went in. I wasn't too happy with Captain America. I know he was trying to help me. And part of me was glad. But the other part was pissed off that I had to be there. And I think that he was getting upset with me. Sniff.

We waited forever in the locked waiting room. And I had a good time watching the crazy people trying to escape. Especially this one old dude in a wheel chair who kept trying the doors and when someone would go or come, he'd try and get out then yell at people. They eventually took him upstairs.

So finally it was our turn. I went in by myself and talked with the lady and she said it sounded like I had depression. But the thoughts at "the world would be better off without me" made her want to admit me for a week. Note to self: Don't say that in a mental hospital unless you want to be admitted. Sigh. They did have a 1 week outpatient program from 9 AM - 2 PM, but she and Captain America felt that it would be better for me to stay. :-(

I really didn't wanna stay. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be in my own home with my own family, in my own bed. Not with a bunch of doctors and nurses and people I don't know. Hmpf! I guess part of me was resigned to the fact that this was what would help me, but I didn't have to like it!

So I hugged Captain America goodbye and a lady took me upstairs. That was about 8:30 PM and I was scared. Captain America was able to take emergency leave to be with the kids and Hilary was gonna help too.

So I got upstairs, and they show me the unit that I'll be in. And my room and give me bedding to make my bed, and shampoo and a toothbrush and toothpaste and junk. I dropped it off in my room and went back to the common area. About 5 people there befriended me. They seemed like nice people. Most were in for depression also.

The military unit is in the same wing as us, and that kinda makes me uncomfortable. When I go to the desk for things, I don't like being looked at by them. One of them actually asked to go for a drink with him. Are you freaking kidding me?! Sigh. This is NOT what I needed.

We went down to the gym for free time and I was able to use the phone to call Captain America. There were a few things I needed. Contact stuff, hair band, clothes, books. He said he'd bring them up.

And then the rest of the evening was free time. And I had nothing to do. I didn't like it. I chatted with people, and tried to make the most of it. But all the unstructured time is not good for me.

Some dude on the military side freaked out and started yelling and throwing stuff and breaking things. That was scary. I'm not happy about having them right here. Or about having men and women together on the same floor. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I don't like it.

So all of the people in the adult side seem real nice. They told me what to expect and not to worry. And I saw that things don't run too smoothly. They called me down 9 times to get my blood pressure, then just left me standing around. So I eventually wandered back to the group. Never did I get it taken that night.

People started going to bed around 10 PM, but I still didn't have my stuff. No clothes. No jammies. No contact stuff. No socks. Sigh. So I hung out for an hour and a half at the nurses station bugging people. I called Captain America to make sure he'd done it. And he hadn't, he said he'd do it right now.

By 11:30 someone finally found me a pillow, a contact case and contact solution. I never got my stuff. Or a sleeping pill, which I was suppose to get. So I went to my room and tried to sleep. My roommate snored so I listened to her and slept in my jeans. Sigh. It took me a long time to fall to sleep. And at 5 AM they woke me up to take my blood pressure. And then told me to go back to sleep. So I laid in bed for 2 more hours until 7 AM. Sigh.

I got out of bed, peed in a cup for the nurse, put my contacts back in, brushed my teeth and went to look for my stuff. No stuff. So I calledCaptain America and asked him if he brought my stuff and he said he dropped it off at 11 PM. Hmpf! So my stuff was here before I went to bed, and they didn't give it to me. I was beginning to see how this place worked.

Oh yeah, I forgot that last night while waiting for my contact stuff the medical doctor saw me. He was pretty cool. He'd gone to Weber in Utah and had a brother who was a bishop. He said he didn't usually see officers or their dependents in here. Sigh. Yep, I guess I'm the oddball.

So at 8:30 AM we went down to breakfast. In my same clothes. Oh well. It smelled nasty. I got a scoop of eggs and a skim milk. I'm gonna try to eat more while here. Try...I ate 1/2 the eggs and 1/2 the milk and 2 Diet Pepsi's. I needed the caffeine.

And then I was freezing. I had no hoodie. And chugging soda wasn't helping. I shivered and did my best.

I stopped by then nurses station on the way back to ask about my stuff. Still nothing. Sigh. I did ask for pencil and paper, which I got. Besides the phone withdrawals (HA!) I was going through blogging withdrawals. I needed to journal my time here. So I sat down at the table outside my room and started on this. And had to write SUPER SMALL because I only got 2 pieces of computer paper.

I wrote and chatted with others for a while. People were getting called away for meds, but not me. I hadn't seen the doctor yet. Eventually I got called down to see the psych. He seemed nice enough. Not as nice as the medical doctor, but good.

We chatted about why I am depressed and why it started. Really, I've had low self esteem for a long time, but an incident back in late June was really when it started to go downhill. I don't think I ever really forgave myself. And it fell apart from there. I was all sad and weepy and stuff but I said how I was feeling.

He asked how I felt about meds and I said I had never taken them before, but DID NOT want to take anything that would make me gain weight. After losing 110 lbs, yeah, that wasn't an option. He recommended Prozac. That just sounded scary, but whatever. I'll do what they tell me.

So I ask again about my stuff and apparently they've found it, but I still can't have it yet. I sat back down near my room and wrote some more. It was helping me make it through. Keeps me busy.

Finally, someone came with my clothes. Yeah, I was glad for clothes, but really wished I could have picked it. I was glad I got my Paramore shirt and my Alice in Wonderland shirt. And the swimsuit would prove to be good too.

I do need more socks. And a warmer hoodie. And a few minutes later they found my toiletries! My contact stuff and my makeup and my hair bands. I was grinning from ear to ear. Seriously!

I put on a new shirt (the Paramore one), a long sleeve shirt and new flip flops, a hair band, and we headed to Faith Based Group Session. Basically they took the AA 12 Steps and made it churchy.

Really it was good. We got through 4 steps and each time a different scripture popped into my head that went with it, so I guess Heavenly Father was helping me.

We headed back, and I found a real treat on my bed. A leather bound folder with a TON of paper, a few pencils and pens, some book, MY NEW GREEN HOODIE! A family picture and a short note from Captain America. I was so excited!!

We had a few minutes to change clothes and head to the pool. Perfect timing! :-) I put on my suit, a hoodie, some sweats, flip flops and grabbed a towel, and headed to join the group.

On the way, they said I had a phone call. Huh? I answered it in the hall and it was some chickie. Yeah no clue who it was but I played along. I don't know why, but I went with it. She wished me happy birthday and said that I sounded different. I told her I had to go and she wanted to know when to call back. 8 PM, I told her. Who the crap was that?!

On the way to the pool, I realized that the girl who used to me in my room was also named Bethany. HA! That was HER phone call!

Anyway, went to the pool with the group. Me and one other girl were the only ones with swim suits. I didn't care, they had a hot tub, and I was freezing! That should warm me up.

It really did feel nice. I even got in the pool and swam for a little while. Then back in the hot tub. I was nice and warm as we walked back to our rooms.

I changed into new clothes, and got ready for lunch. I tried calling Captain America, but no answer. I tried calling Hilary, but no answer. Sigh. I'll try again later, I guess.

We headed to lunch at 12:15. And I was stressing it. I need to start eating more. So I took a big helping of cooked veggies and a slice of pork. I ate all the cauliflower and the zucchini and about 5 bites of the pork. It was kind of dry. I choked it down though.

I found out they had a salad bar, and grabbed a few cucumber slices, a tomato wedge and some other veggie but can't recall right now. And two Diet Pepsi's. Gotta keep up with my diet soda habit, you know!

Came back from lunch, and decided to go with the smokers to smoke break. Hey, it was sunny and warm outside. And I like sunny and warm!

I didn't like all the smoke, but had a nice chat with another lady who doesn't smoke either. After about 15 minutes, we headed back up, and now I'm caught back up! 1:27 PM, and I'm waiting to use the phone to call Captain America. We go back to group real soon. I'm getting used to things here. There's a lot of do nothing time, which I don't like so much. But I do like it better now that I have paper. And my hoodie!

And I'm starting to process what happened. Yeah, life wasn't so bad. This place is bad. Not having my family is bad. Not having my friends is bad. Having no choice is bad. But I'm making the most of it. I have books to read. And scriptures. And I'm praying more. Because that's good for me. And I need to start doing things that are good for me! :-)

So I waited for a chance to use the phone before group, but two other people were before me, and by the time I got to the front of the line, it was time to go.

We're at group now, talking about choosing to be happy. Be happy regardless of the situation in which you find yourself. Yeah I really like that! I'm finding myself wanting to be happy. Choice theory, how we need to choose how we feel and what we do. Sounds very simple, and it is in theory, but we need to do it in practice.

Ok, so after group we came back, and I tried to use the phone again. And it was open AND I got a hold of Captain America and chatted for a while AND Hilary for a while. It was nice to hear from home and friends. I hope that everyone is doing well.

I had someone grab me an apple form the military side, and I made myself eat it. Because I know that I have to eat.

We all went and sat and chatted for an hour or so before dinner. This one dude talks a lot, but has entertaining stories. LOL! He just needs to take more turns. Hehe. So there's 3-4 people going home tomorrow. People I like. Hmpf. Hopefully the new people who replace them are nice.

We went to dinner a little after 5 PM. And it smelled nasty. Chicos Taco like tacos, rice, beans, baked potatoes and fish. Yeah, I went with the fish. And a salad and cucumbers. I didn't eat it all, but I tried. That's good, right? I did eat 3 meals today, which is A LOT better than I have been doing.

I forgot to say that they gave me my pill. Hehe. Yeah I'm not sure what I think about it. But I'm going with it. I asked more about it and swallowed it. We'll see how it goes.

Ok, back to dinner. I was feeling pretty good. The group sat together and we chatted and ate. I like the group. I wish I had my camera to take pictures. I'm feeling like taking pictures now.

So back to the ward and more hanging out. And more chatting. Honestly, the chatting is helping more than the group. I think it makes you realize what you have. And I'm feeling good. Laughing. Smiling. I like it! :-)

I'm waiting for visiting hour to come. I'm gonna give this to Captain America to give to Hilary to put on my blog. So you will know where I am, and what's going on with me! :-)

Bethany Will Be MIA For A While

Hello Elegant Wordart fans. This is Hilary and I have taken over Bethany's blog. Well, with her permission, of course.

Today was not a good day for Bethany. Anyway, without getting into all the details of it all, Captain America took her to an ER specializing in mental health. She had an appointment set up on September 21 but she wasn't looking like she'd make until then. So she really didn't want to go, but Captain America and I told her it was for the best. I texted with her up until they called her back to talk with her.

The next text I got from her an hour or so later was that they are going to admit her for 3-5 days for depression. So she asked me to keep up her blog during that time so I can keep all y'all up-to-date on how she is doing and what is going on. To be quite honest, she isn't doing too well. Hasn't been for the last few weeks. She has been scaring me and I have been trying my hardest to keep her afloat. Today we just couldn't. I am glad that Captain America was able to come home at lunch and that they aren't making him go back to the field. So he is with her right now. I am sure he will call me after he leaves.

I have her kids and will be taking them home soon to get them into bed. I hope that his unit gives him some emergency leave the next 3-5 days so he can take care of the family while she is in the hospital. I will be visiting her daily to see how she is doing so I can keep y'all up-to-date. To her disappointment, she is not allowed to have any phones or computers or things like that, but any comments y'all leave for her I will let her know. I can have a phone (I hope) when I visit her. If not, then I'll just have to print out comments so she can read them.

I am glad that she is getting the help she needs. Soon she will be her happy self again and will be in the right mindset and such. I will be keeping her in my prayers and hope that all y'all do the same for her, however it is that you pray and/or meditate.

I won't be posting any free wordart as I do not know how to do so. So in the meantime, I know to the right of the posts are many, many wonderful past wordarts. Look through them. You may find one or two you don't have.

Thanks again for being wonderful readers and awesome people. She needs all the support and love and prayers she can receive! Check back daily for updates! Thank you again!

Much love,

Hilary

hilary.nouhan@gmail.com

Big Yawns

Yeah, so I was SO tired when I woke up to get the kids ready for the bus this morning. When you go to bed close to 4:30am, and get up at 6:55am, not so good :) I dragged my butt out of bed, and got the kids ready and going and prayed and out the door.

And Hilary texted at 7:30am to see how I was doing, and to say that she was starting to make phone calls about me seeing someone. Dang. It was all getting quite real. And I was starting to get scared. Like standing on a manhole scared. Or being on a tall building looking over the edge scared. Weird, huh? But it was eliciting that kind of response.

By 8:30am, she had called Telenurse and found a good place to call. Andrea had heard of the place too, and said it was good. So she called, and the could get me in on the 21st of September. Hmm. Ok. Phil was happy, at least :) Andrea didn't want it to be that far in the future.

Hilary came over, had me talk to the lady on the phone about insurance and such and got a little information, and that was it. So I guess I just deal with myself until then, right? Try and keep Phil at bay until then.

So we got Jimmy on the bus and Jake was already working on school, and we headed out to Savers. I didn't really need anything, but it was $0.99 day one colored tag day. Blue, today. And I found $4 worth of stuff. A jacket and a shirt and a blouse and a pair of jeans. Cool, huh?

And we found these treasures also...





Anyway, we looked around there for a bit, and my good mood was fading. I was regretting telling people anything at all, and all the attention on me, and talking about my problems and such. I was starting to get down. We paid, and headed to get a drink, then off to the next place.

Sometime at Savers, Captain America had texted and wanted to know about lunch plans. Hilary and I had talked about Carlos and Mickeys, but while I was really wanting to go, yeah, I didn't really want to eat either. And since I had 2 hours of sleep, and very little food, I was having a hard time keeping up with ALL of Captain Americas texts. I know, not a good sign. Anyway.

We had a textual misunderstanding, and he got his feelings a little hurt. He thought I wanted to just go play with my friends and no see him. And yeah, I did want to finish out the plans that I had already made, I still wanted to see him. I didn't know that he had lunch at the same time every day while at the field. I hadn't really paid attention to it enough to notice.

Anyway, we both got a little upset and feelings hurt through texts, and I couldn't handle it, burst into tears in the car, and told Hilary to take me home. Sigh. Poor thing felt really bad. And then I felt bad for making her feel bad. What a messed up lot we are... No wonder we're our only two friends. ha! No one else wants to hang out with the crazy girls! hehe.

Anyway, she dropped me off at home, and I went to visit with Captain America for about 20 minutes. I told her I'd be over to afterwords. Captain America had to be back to the field at a certain time, and I was still blubbering, so we sat in his car and chatted until he had to go.

He doesn't really know how to handle me. Cause he's a man, and wants to fix everything. And he doesn't know how to fix me. After I left, he called and chatted on his way to the field, and reassured me that he loved me and wanted to help me and do what he could to make me feel good. It was really sweet. Just what I needed to hear.

I hung with Hilary until it was time to get the kids from school. Her Phil was getting her down today too. We can't BOTH be down. Ha! That's not good.

We got kids home, and ran to Sam's real fast to pick up a few essentials, and some pizzas. Because pizzas are essentials, you know. And some yogurt from Walmart.

We picked up my kids on the way through post, and took them to Hilarys house. We cooked the pizzas, had Family Home Evening, had dinner, and hung.

Jannie was in charge of the lesson, and did a great job :)

Diet Dr Pepper, PLEASE make me happy. hehe

Yeah, I SO need to shower, wash my face, and NOT cry for 24 hours...

I was SO tired. Was it bed time yet?

A group of friends from church were playing Kickball at the field by Hilarys house, so we wandered down with all the kids.

Play? Yeah, not me. I'm anti sports that involve balls. hehe. So I sat and chatted and tired to stay awake and cheered and heckled the players. hehe. I swear Hilary and I act like we're 12 sometimes :) You know the "no sleep gigglies". Yeah, we totally had those :) It's better than being sad, though, right? My stupid mood swings :) At least we were having fun :)

So after the game on our way back home, we found these long pipes in the ground, and decided they looked like toilets. So we posed. Cause we're 12... ha!




After that, we headed back to her house. The kids made some kind of silly video, and we hung on the back porch and ate apples. Well, part of an apple, anyway.

We headed home shortly after, cause I was SO tired, and I got the kids into bed and homeworked and prayered and tried to clean up a bit. The house was messy. Jake did some dishes, I did a load or two of laundry, I hung up some of my clothes from the past few days, I organized the living room, and texted with Captain America for a while.

Then I started blogging, and texted Hilary briefly (she was even more tired than I am), and now I'm down to 10pm. And I'm exhausted. Need to make a quick freebie. Then host/post it, then I can go to sleep. Cause I'm sleepy :)

And I'm feeling pretty good right now. I went to bed feeling pretty good yesterday, and even woke up happy. The rest of the day kinda went downhill, but I think as long as I still have moments of good, then I'm ok. I really wonder what will happen when I go in on the 21st. What it's even all about. I didn't really ask too many questions, I just agreed to go and talk to someone. OK, not gonna dwell on that. Cause I'm in a good mood right now - ha!

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I Dream

Morning, girls :) How was your weekend? Mine? Well, Sunday had it's ups and downs.

I woke up for church at 7:20am. Yeah, I wasn't feeling too well from the day before, emotionally, and Captain America was still in the field, and I'd JUST agreed to go and get some help and find someone to talk to, and yeah, I didn't know if I wanted to face people.

But I hoped out of bed, said my prayers, and jumped in the shower. I listened to a Conference talk while getting ready, and fixed my hair and make up, and it actually turned out looking pretty cute. And I thought, well, I CAN'T waste a good hair/make up day at home, so I might as well go to church. Yeah, not the most noble or righteous of intentions, but hey, it was getting me to church, right?

Joe wasn't feeling well, and I was gonna just let him snuggle with me all through church. No primary classes for him. We got to church, found our seats, and yeah, it went downhill from there.

OK, now don't think I'm crazy (ok, maybe I am a bit crazy), but I have to tell you about Phil. I KNOW that many of you have a Phil. That negative voice inside your head. Whaaaat? You didn't know his name was Phil. Hilary has a negative voice inside her head too, and we decided to name him. Our husbands just call him Satan, but yeah, we're going will Phil. hehe.

Anyway, I guess Phil didn't like that I was going to church, and especially didn't like that I was gonna go get some help. He REALLY didn't like that. And did a number on me during Sacrament meeting. Yeah, by the time it was over, I was gonna find rides home for my 4 other kids, and take sick Joe home. Cause I just coudln't be there anymore. I was feeling awful.

BUT, Captain America texted and said that he was gonna be home for an hour and a half, right after Sacrament. That I should get the kids and we should all come home and we could have a Family Home Evening, and we could hang out with him for a while.

So after Sacrament, I gathered up the kids and headed home. And I didn't feel too good. I couldn't even smile. I hate it when I get like that. Stupid Phil!

Captain America went back to work around 2pm, and Hilary texted to see how I was doing. Not great. She came over, and we went for a drive, and talked. It helps talking to her. She has a "Phil" too, and has eating issues as well. So she understands what I'm going through.

Anyway, after our drive and our chat, she dropped me back off at home, and I got the house straightened back up again, and the kids and I got ready to go to the Nouhans for dinner. Hilarys husband is in the field too, so we decided to do Sunday dinner together with all million of our kids. OK, so only my 5, her 3, and a neighbor kid. What's that, 9? We made pancakes and eggs and fruit salad. I think everyone liked it.

We hung on the back porch for a while, and watched kids playing outside and in and out and all around. Busy children - hehe.

We headed home, and I put kids to bed, and stayed up WAY too late. Yeah, I'm gonna be tired in the morning. Maybe Phil will be tired too. I sure hope so. I don't think I can handle another day with him... But Monday is that day that I'm supposed to go seek some help. I'm not sure what that all entails. My friends are gonna help me. Captain America is still in the field, and I need to text him tomorrow and see what he wants me to do too. As long as I don't have to make a phone call, I'm all good.

I hate talking about my problems, you know. I never know what to say. We always wanna downplay our faults. Or gloss over them. Or ignore the bad things. Yeah, if I'm getting help, I don't think that's gonna work. Hmpf!

But I told Captain America and my friends that I'd go, so I'm gonna go. As much as I'd like to run, I'm gonna go. And I told ALL of you that I'm gonna go. So I'm gonna go. See the pep talk. I sure hope it works, and I don't end up running away (hehe). If you don't hear from me tomorrow, you know Phil got the best of me - ha!

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Press Forward

Press forward. Who knew when I was designing this yesterday that it would be so fitting...

So anyway, you all know about my funk. Well, you know what I share with you about my funk. I've been feeling down and bad about myself for a while now. And I didn't really think anything about it. And yeah, I haven't been eating much of anything, and my thoughts were going down paths they shouldn't be going, and my friends/family finally stepped in. Sigh.

Long story short, I agreed to go and see someone about it. I don't know when it's gonna happen, but at some point, I'm gonna have an appointment with someone or another to talk about stuff. So there. OK, maybe I have a problem...

Anyway, Hilary came and picked me up this morning to go to the commissary to get stuff for cupcakes for Jimmy. It's his 5th birthday today! I know, September 11th is kinda a weird day for a birthday, but we still love him - hehe.

Hilarys husband is in the field too. So we figured that we could keep each other company while the men folk were gone. Saturday is usually a family day and couples night. Sniff. I miss you, Captain America :(

Anyway, we're doing Jim's real party after Captain America gets home from the field, but wanted to make his actual birthdate special too. So he picked strawberry cupcakes, so that's what we bought. And a frozen pizza for lunch.

We came back to my house, made the food, and she and I sat on the back porch and talked. About my "issues". And about how I needed to go and talk to someone. I hate admitting that I have problems, or asking for help from anyone. Sigh. But if it can help... I know I shouldn't be feeling these things about myself...

Anyway, she went back home, and we both got our kids ready for a movie on post. We went and saw "Cats & Dogs 2". Yeah, DUMB movie - ha! But the kids loved it. Good thing it was cheap - ROFL!

Captain America called during the movie, and I chatted with him outside the theater for a while. He was on his way from post to the field, and swung by the theater for a hug. Awe, SOOO sweet :) He has been real worried about me, and was glad that I finally agreed to go and talk to someone about it. It still kills me to even admit that I'm gonna go talk to someone... I don't like to talk....

Anyway, finished up the movie, and we all headed home. My kids played for a while, and I took a nap. And yeah, it was the longest hour. hehe. It's hard when Captain Americas gone, and I'm home with the kids all by myself, and I'm already not feeling very good about myself.

After dinner, my friends came and "Kidnapped" me. hehe. My kids were settled in for the night, and the girls and I went to do some shopping. I wasn't really into it, but glad for the company. I tried my best not to be too down in the dumps. I tried to put on my happy face. Really, I was glad that I wasn't alone.

We went to the Jewelry Box (and I didn't even buy anything), and Eve's, and Fallas, and Circle K, and Super Target. We dropped Aimee off at home, and Hilary and I went to Walmart to get some stuff that Captain America needed for the rest of his time in the field.

We checked on things at her house, then went to my house and designed an invite for the Pirate Party, which is on Friday, and are now waiting on it to be developed at Walgreens. Long, busy day. But busy is good for me. Keeps my mind off of other things that I shouldn't be dwelling on.

So I don't even know if this post made any sense or not. I have way too much caffeine in my system, and not enough food, and it's getting late. Thanks to everyone who's been encouraging me this whole time, and for all of the comments, and emails, and prayers. I hope that things will be ok. I'll keep you posted.

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