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Sunday, May 29, 2011

Some Days Just SUCK

I don't feel like blogging. Today sucked. OK, so not all of today sucked. The first part was good. I got to snuggle in my bed with first Jim, then Joe, and talk with them. It was really very nice. They told me about school, and sang me songs, and told me stories. It was really very nice.

And I just relaxed the rest of the morning. Kids played electronics, and I watched some shows, and just hung out. And at noon, we went to the Post Hotel pool. Never been. And Jake was ALREADY in a mood. He just wanted to go to the teen center.

And I'd told him that he was gonna have to cut back on the amount of electronics he played there. And it didn't go over well. Because, you know, I wanted to make his life miserable. Because I stayed up late at night scheming up new ways to tourcher him...

We got there, and it was 97 degrees outside. SUPER hot. I texted Kari to see where we were supposed to go (she was already there), and Jake goes, "Are you gonna just play on your phone all day, or can we go swimming" in a SUPER snotty tone. Oh yeah, it was gonna be a lovely trip...

We went inside, and there was a line to check in. Swell. Jim and Joe were trying to get out of line, one going one way, one going the other. Playing with the electric opening door. And laying on the floor, and being SO naughty in the fancy hotel.

So of course, Jake goes "Wow, you really are a horrible parent. Look how you let your kids come out in public.". And he forgot his towel, and of course that reflected on my horrible parenting, too.

Finally, we got to the front of the line. And the lady said that the pool was full, and that we'd have to come back at 1pm. Oh yeah, SO not happening. And, as we were almost ready to turn around, a group of 8 people left. So they lady let us sign in, and gave us arm bands. And as we were walking towards the pool, another lady told us that they shouldn't have let us in, because they were still over number, and that they might not let us in.

I'd take my chances. I wasn't turning around now. So we went through the hotel, and found the outdoor pool. It was really pretty nice. I took a few pictures, but I lost my camera at home... Anyway, I found Kari, and she and I sat in the hot sun while the kids played. Mostly with the water guns. And were spraying everyone. The life guards didn't seem to mind, but the people next to us were getting annoyed. Whatever. Don't come to the pool if you don't wanna get wet, right?

And after about 45 minutes, things started to head south. Jake wasn't playing appropriately in the pool. He'd grab the kids (only ones he knew), and hold the water gun to their head like he was taking them hostage. It just wasn't funny play. But he didn't see that. And he was yelling at people when they squirted him with the water gun, but continued to squirt them in the face with the water guns.

Finally, after 4 kids had come to me telling me he'd hurt/annoyed them, I kicked him out of the pool. So he came and sat by me. And berated me over and over again. Why did I like the other kids better. Why was I so horrible. Why did I suck so bad. And then he decided that I couldn't keep him from the pool. So he got back in.

So I went to talk with the life guards. One was a girl, and one was a guy a little bigger than Jake. I explained that Jake was autistic, and that I thought that if they told him to get out, he'd do it because he sees them as an authority figure with power. So the dude told him that because Jake was being mean to the little kids, he had to get out of the water.

And Jake did. And he was pissed. So he came and sat by me, and then it started again. And he started throwing things. Eme's shorts went into the pool. He threw a few flippers at me (right in the shins). He threw some flip flops. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and I told the other kids to get out of the pool, and we left. Me in almost tears. I was SO upset.

I so wanted to leave him, but he made it to the truck before we were ready to leave. And we headed home. And, once we got to a spot that I knew that he knew where we were, I pulled over to the side of the road in a parking lot, and told him to get out and to walk home. Which he, of course, refused to do.

And we sat there. Then Kari drove by, saw us, and stopped to offer her help. Which, of course, he didn't want. She called Brian (her hubby who's bigger than Jake), and he came over to try and help. He asked Jake nicely, a lot more times than I could have, to get out of the truck. Again, "Why would I listen to you if I don't even listen to my mom" was one of the responses.

When it became obvious that we were getting no where, and Brian really didn't wanna manhandle him (although I told him he definitely could), he said for me to take my kids in his truck, and go to my house, that he'd take the suburban with Jake. Great idea, Brian :)

So we loaded up in his truck, and headed home. I let the kids inside the house, and Brian stopped by my house to pick up his gas can from the back of his truck (lawn mowing day). And Jake hopped out of the truck and ran inside our house. Great. I did NOT wanna deal with him when he was in this obstinate mood. I tried to lock him out of the house, but I couldn't fast enough. Somehow, he and Boxer both ended up in the front yard, and Brian ask him if he and Boxer wanted to go to his house and play with Leo. Jake, thankfully, agreed, as long as Boxer could come too.

And they left. And were gone for like 5 hours. And I was SO upset. I cried in my room for a while, then decided that Jake lost the privilege of having his bedroom. He was getting demoted to the downstairs closet. So I worked the rest of the day making that happen. And you know how when you move things around, how it gets SUPER messy. Yeah, I hate that. I stopped a few times for a good cry, and Tom was SO sweet. He hugged me and told me it was gonna be ok. The kids really did try and help. But there's only so much that Joe and Jim can do. They're just naughty by nature, I think...

So now Eme has her own room upstairs. And so does Tom. And Joe and Jim are in the downstairs bedroom. And Jake is in the huge downstairs closet. We took a break for dinner, and cleaned out and refilled the pool. We cooked hamburgers on the grill for dinner, and grilled up some chicken drumsticks for tomorrow for lunch. And cooked S'Mores for everyone too.

And Jake came home at dinner time. And was happy and smiley and apologetic as always. He gave me lots of hugs, and tired to make things better, but I was still mad. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm still mad thinking about it. And the fact that he's over it makes me madder. And the fact that he just LOVES his new little room makes me mad. He can sleep in there with the dog now. He was SUPER excited...

It's now 9:35pm. The house is clean. The kids are in bed. Everyone is happy. Except me. Today sucked. And I'm gonna cry if every day this summer is a repeat of today. I don't think I can handle that...

Yeah, it's not a religious one. I just didn't have it in me... I'm sorry. I SO need to get back on my game. Please, pray for a nice Sunday...

Click on the link below to go to my account to download the PNG file, and leave some love if you like my work.

No layout, because I suck and didn't send anything to Sharon....


Rubypat said...

Hi Bethany. Sorry you had such a rotten day. I can empathise with you over Jake's behaviour. Why is it that the Mum gets the blame if things are not the way they want them to be? My daughter has bipolar disorder, and there are times when I get so upset with her behaviour. She usually walks out when she is upset, and comes back some hours later, and is always upbeat and cheery; and I am still shattered from the behaviours - and my reaction to them.
You are doing it so tough, while Brent is away, and I think you are doing a great job under very difficult circumstances.
If only we could divorce ourselves from the hurt that is heaped upon us; but we are human, and we hurt too.
God bless, and hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Denise said...

Prayers and hugs!

hillbilly.mamma said...

I am sorry you had such a horrible day but I am begging you to get another diagnosis for Jake.You have said the doctor said he is barely mildly autistic so you can not keep playing the autistic card.Something else is obviously going on.I urge you to read up on Oppositional Defiant Disorder which seems to fit your Jake much better.
I have teen sons-Jake is going to get even bigger & even stronger and then how are you going to prevent him from seriously hurting you or one of the smaller children?And don't say it can't happen it can.Look at what he did to Emmy.
I will keep you in my thoughts.Single parenting is never easy & single parenting a child with special needs is even harder.

Joy said...

1. You do not suck. Not even partially. Don't ever say that again. :) We all love you.

2. Go listen to Pink's song "F-ing perfect". Pretend that the f-word isn't in it, and enjoy the message. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are gonna make it. And I think you are pretty f-ing perfect. LOL

3. Prayers for your whole family, and especially Jake. :)

Kim said...

Hi, Bethanny. I'm sorry you had such a difficult day. I can't imagine how hard it must be to try to parent 5 kids while your husband is deployed. I agree with the poster above who suggested Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Please look into this. My nephew (who is much younger than Jake) was diagnosed with this by a therapist after his mother (my sister) was in the hospital for over 3 months last year. Her absence from his life just was too much for him and he acted out in a similar way, though, since he is smaller he can be restrained.

When my sister finally returned home, he acted out by throwing things at her, hitting her & absolutely refusing to do as he was told. The therapist recommended some strategies such as positive reinforcement for good behavior instead of punishment for bad behavior. And ignoring behavior that was meant to get attention unless it was going to result in someone getting harmed in some way. Over time, the strategies have worked. Believe me, I'm a strict disciplinarian in my home. My kids get punished appropriately when they disobey or act disrespectfully, but there are times when you have to try other things when traditional types of discipline are not working.

I urge you to seek further diagnosis for him. You should not feel like you have to lock your son out of your house. I'm not convinced that the autism is the problem in this situation.

God bless you and try to keep your chin up!

Shawn said...

You don't suck...some days just suck. I can't even imagine what it takes to parent 5 children while Brent is deployed, let alone one child that has needs different than the rest. I am grateful that you have friends whose husbands will help you out! I know you have received a lot of advice where Jake is concerned and by no means am I in any position to tel you what you do...I would like to mention chiropractic for Jake. You can email me with any questions you have and if I can't answer them, I know my husband can...he's a rock star chiropractor :)
Hang in there, Bethany...and remember the days and times that don't suck
Your friend,

Jessica said...

Bethany- I am so sorry to hear about your day. You and Jake will be in my prayers. Hoping today is a better day for you guys.

Sarah said...

Bethany, my heart goes out to you. Wish I could be there in person to give you a hug and pass the tissues, so will a cyber ((((((hug)))))) do instead? Tom's so sweet giving you hugs. Some kids are amazing. It's such a shame that you don't have a better diagnosis for Jake as it does seem like there's more to his condition and outbursts. I hope that you can get help for it all and that you don't have more days like today. Much love sweetie xxx

Oh yeah, thank you so much for all the free wordarts. They and you are amazing xx

Mrs. Miles said...

Hi Bethany,

I commented on your previous post which was linked directly to that download... something made me click on your header to update to your latest post. I feel it was a prompting on my heart, and after reading your post I am grateful I have.

Ah - these are the most difficult of times. As a mom who's kids have grown up and gone, oh how I remember times like these you are experiencing right now.

You don't need any advice... you need an ear and a hug and to know that you WILL get past this time and the sting will fade - parenting is sometimes so unrewarding and hurtful. I remember back to times I was the teen who thought the world revolved around "me"...

When you survive this, know one day your kids will go through this same cycle, sometimes its impossible to avoid.

I'm praying for you and your family today. Thank you for being bold enough to share and allow me to lift your needs for you. We all need friends!

Love, Barb

Melissa M said...

Bethany I want to send prayers up for you and your family. May the Lord bless you and keep you and may He give you peace. I pray for Jake and all the turmoil that is obviously working inside him. I pray that the Lord will give you answers. I want to pray for your other children though. May all the attention that is being given to Jake whether postive or negative not affect them. I pray for your summer. May you be blessed richly and may your husband return to you soon!!!

CraftCrave said...

Just a quick note to let you know that a link to this post will be placed on CraftCrave in the DigiFree category today [30 May 02:00am GMT]. Thanks, Maria

Shelly said...

I so wish I had a solution to offer you, Bethany, but obviously I don't. I hope it helps to know that I care and that I'm praying for you and your family each day. Big hugs to you sweetie.

Berniek said...

I just love all these sweet and positive comments from people who are physically strangers to you. But just believe it and try to get some strenght out of it.
It makes me misserable to read about your bad day, and I don't know what it's like. I really, really wish you all the best and love and help you need.

Doe said...

Ah man... what a day you had. You are right - some days do. I'm really impressed at how you pulled it together.

I enjoy reading your blog and I enjoy your beautiful work. Thank you for sharing with us. (my first time posting to you)

deb said...

Wow, I'm so sorry things are crazy with Jake. I think of you often even when I don't come and read. I'm amazed at your resilience.