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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Psycho

OK, so I was feeling all proud of myself yesterday, for having a lower dose of my Prozac, and for feeling like I was able to handle it all, and like I was able to cope, and do it all. Yeah, today? Not so much...

We slept in WAY late. Almost 11, I think. The kids were playing laptops when we woke up, and all seemed happy.

We had some breakfast, and watched some Star Trek the Next Generation. Jake is really into that right now. And it was lunch time before we knew it.

Captain America and the boys put away the race track, and we cleaned up a minimal amount. Around 2, we decided to get ready and go to the zoo. I showered, and got fixed up, and settled on this outfit.

Not taking my correct dose of my anti-depressant for a few days, I was really noticing just how much weight I'd picked up. And how bad I really did look. :(

We were out the door and to the zoo by 3:15pm. I think that was everyone else's plan in El Paso too! It was super crowded.
















Joe found a Million Dollar bill, and was SO excited. I felt bad telling him it was fake...

About 1/2 way through the zoo trip, I started feeling depressed. Super depressed. Like I couldn't control it depressed. Luckily I had on sun glasses, or I would have been teary-eyed all around the zoo. I managed to hold it off, though.
We left around 5pm, and headed home. I got there, and instantly went to the bathroom and started sobbing. I felt anxious, and upset, and out of control. I was afraid for when Captain America left, and didn't know how I was gonna do it. I felt hopeless and lonely. It wasn't a feeling that I wanna have again...

Captain America came in, and found me, and tried to help me feel better. But realized that it was the drugs (or lack thereof). He had me take the normal dose that the new doctor prescribed, and had me lay down for a while. He said he'd cook dinner for the kids.

He came back in after a little while, and gave me a blessing. It helped a little bit. And after a rest, I headed out to help with dinner. We had taco's for dinner, and watched some more Star Trek.

Captain America headed to go and lift at 6:30pm, and I watched some 24. At 7:30pm, I had the kids come inside (they were playing with the neighborhood kids outside) and take baths and get on jammies. Joe and Jim went to bed, and Jake and Tom and Eme read until around 8:30pm. Then I put them to bed too.

Captain America came home a little before 9pm, and I'd just started on my blog. It's now 9:04pm. And I'm wiped. I think it's from the emotional outburst. That really drains a person. I'm not liking it. I don't wanna be afraid of that the rest of this deployment. I think I'm gonna just get back on my anti-depressants. I know that my therapist and Captain America want to see me off of the drugs. I know that they do. But it scares me. I don't know if I can handle things here all on my own without it. Especially if today is any indication.

And I don't wanna feel sad. I really don't. This reminds me of the month before I went into the hospital. Feeling sad and anxious and withdrawn. I just wanna hide in my room, and not leave. And I know that's not good. Not good at all. I liked the outgoing and fun and active me. Hmpf! Hopefully I'll feel a lot better when I wake up in the morning :(

Click on the link below to go to my account to download the PNG file, and leave some love if you like my work. thanks!


Great layout, Sharon! Lovin' the pinks and the blacks!

14 comments:

Maranda Mitchell said...

I know that I don't know you, but you kind of remind me of me. I noticed in myself that the depressants really don't help that much with the anxiety. I got to the point of extreme panic attacks. I am taking the depressant pristiq 100 mg every morning along with an axiety pill buspar 10 mg. Also in the evening I take another buspar. This has really helped me. I know each and every person is different and this is not for everyone, but I do think that it is an option to talk over with your doctor. My depressants dose has went down along with the anxiety pill and I do have numerous feelings again and can cope at the same time. Hope everything gets better for you.

Buffy0214 said...

Thank you for sharing your struggles. I have just stopped taking my Wellbutrin and I'm sorta waiting to see if any of those "old feelings" will return. May God bless you and give you guidance through this time.

CBH said...

Thank you so much for this post. I want to let you know that I posted a link to your blog in CBH Digital Scrapbooking Freebies, under the Page 6 post on Sep. 06, 2011. Thanks again.

julie rothwell said...

Bethany, I understand that you want to come off the meds and quickly, but unless you do it mega-slowly you will experience these violent mood swings. You health professional should be guiding your reduction.
To do it sensibly, from 20mg you should first have 15mg every other day, keeping to 20 the days in between. After a week 15 each day. After another week 10 every other day with 15 in between and so on.
I know it sounds long and drawn out, but it does avoid these panicky feelings of not being able to cope.

mickymunchkin's corner said...

hi there,
i really can understand what you#re going through. I've been on anti-depressants and sleeping pills for a couple of years now and I just can't do without. It's simply not working. Personally I think if pills help you cope with life and help you to get through the days, then hey, why not. in the long run you don't know what you'll die off, why not make life a bit easier, I'm sure you're not taking those tablets just for fun. Sometimes it just helps to accept that YES, you have a stubborn, shitty illness that can't be seen from the outside, and YES, it's a part of you and YES you're allowed to get help for it.... ((((hugs to you)))) I'm thinking of you and try to tell yourself that tomorrow is a new day and it might be better.
Love,
Mickymunchkin

sandie said...

Love it! Thank you! Hope you are feeling better today.

Melanie said...

So sorry your having a hard time. I've suffered from depression and anxiety and know that I can't go off of my medication. You do so great with your kids and dealing with not having your husband around! I admire you! Hope you have better days!:)

Kim said...

First of all, kudos to you for being willing to share your struggles with everyone. That, in and of itself, can be very therapeutic. As you can see from the responses you have received, depression & anxiety are fairly common illnesses, especially among women in their 30's. I've been through 3 very deep & dark battles with depression & anxiety myself & have been on Zoloft for nearly 2 years straight now.

Please realize that clinical depression is a physical illness brought on by chemical imbalances in the brain. This is not something that you can help all on your own. You would never tell a diabetic that they should stop taking their insulin unless their diabetes is under control, so don’t stop taking your medication until your body is ready. I’m not a doctor & I don’t play one on TV, but I wonder if your therapist would consider changing your medication. Zoloft has been wonderful for me. I don’t feel drugged or artificially happy…I just feel like “me” again. It also has helped with anxiety. I was having major panic attacks at one time, so bad that I was afraid to leave the house, but over time they have completely stopped. I have tried a couple of times to come off the medication (I am currently taking a very low dosage), but about 1-2 weeks out, I begin to have difficulty. I think I just may be one of those people who will have to stay on a very low dosage of antidepressants indefinitely. And you know what, that’s OK! It makes me feel normal & normal is good! I will say that the Zoloft does not keep me from feeling normal emotions…I feel sad, happy, grumpy, elated, frustrated….all the normal emotions that go along with life. Sometimes I think people look at antidepressants as “happy pills” but they do NOT make you artificially happy. Or at least they shouldn’t.

If you don’t like the way the Prozac is making you feel, you need to discuss this with your doctor & see if they can either change your medication or add another one to help with this. I don’t know many people who have had the best experience with Prozac. It is a pretty old medication & while it was really good years ago when not much else was available, there are so many other wonderful meds out there now with less side effects. Of all the antidepressants, I think Prozac & Paxil are the ones most associated with weight gain. I have gained weight with Zoloft, but I don’t think it is the medication itself. It just gave me my appetite back, and well, being in my mid 30’s, my metabolism is changing & I need to watch what I eat & exercise a little more. I’ve recently lost 12 pounds even being on the meds. But I’d gladly be a few pounds overweight and mentally healthy than be skinny and depressed! No contest!

f you need the medication at this point in your life, don’t feel guilty AT ALL for taking it! If your therapist does not seem to have your best interest at heart, then find another one that you are completely 100% comfortable with. There really is no excuse for your therapist to be making you feel guilty about needing the medications or to be pressuring you to come off too quickly. I was told that I should expect to be on the medications for a MINIMUM of six months….minimum! As already indicated, with any antidepressant, you must very slowly wean yourself off when it is time to do so. Stopping cold turkey or decreasing the dosage too rapidly can cause many undesirable side effects. You really should be working with your doctor to wean off your medication so that they can monitor your progress.

Wow, I wrote a book! But this is something I feel strongly about because , I’ve been there & I feel really passionately that we need to stop treating depression & anxiety as something to be ashamed of. It is totally treatable & treatments are very successful once you figure out which medication is right for you. I hope you get to feeling better really soon, Bethany! Hang in there!

Brenda said...

Thanks for being brave enough to share this with everyone. Honestly...I think the doctor is expecting too much of you to ask you to stop meds now. You need to do it when you know you will have Brent home full time for a support system. I hope you can find the happy medium that works for you.

Elaine M said...

Oh hon – I’m so sorry you had to experience this. I was just about to write something similar to what Kim and Julie Rothwell said – glad I read through the comments first because they put it perfectly. There is one other thing I’d like to mention that most people don’t think of – soft drinks – even diet ones have been shown to contribute to migraines etc. You might want to think about cutting down on those and see what the results are. Don't try cold turkey - just cut back one or two a day for a while - then eventually down to one - then a half - then none. I know we haven’t met, but you come into my home every day with your blog and I feel like I’ve had a visit from a friend. I just really care about you and your family – sending hugs and prayers your way.

Patti said...

Hang in there! If you decide to stay on the meds, realize that it's a chemical imbalance that a lot of women go through. If you decide to go off the meds, take everyone's advice and do it slowly! Anti-depressants aren't something to be embarrassed of. Women just don't have control of all of the chemicals racing around in our bodies....! Ah... to be a simple person.... a MAN!

CraftCrave said...

Just a quick note to let you know that a link to this post will be placed on CraftCrave in the DigiFree category today [07 Sep 01:00am GMT]. Thanks, Maria

So~Inkin~Cute said...

you are so awesome and candid w/ your blog posts. I wish I had the courage to blog like you do. I bet it's very theraputic. I really admire your personality!

Thanks for the wordart! I am lovin' the movie theme! The music theme was awesome too! I have a special request for a movie! hehe! If you get around to it, could you do: Pretty in Pink (1986)?

I have so many photos I could use that wordart with!

Thanks so much!

Candice

Shelly said...

I haven't been online for several days and so am behind in reading your blog. I'm glad to hear that you got your medication stabilized before Brent left, even though you had to go through a bad time to get there.

I don't think the Prozac is causing all of the problems that the therapist and Brent are blaming on it. Part of them maybe, but not all of them. I read all of your blog entries and to me it seems like you got worse as the stress from Jake getting out of control escalated and then summer came and you had all five kids for the whole day on top of Jake's problems. I feel like your high stress level plays a big part. I honestly don't know how you make it some days. As I've said many times, "You're amazing"!

You can work on keeping the house better and losing weight when Brent is home to stay. Meanwhile, don't beat yourself up for those things. Nobody is perfect. (And you still look gorgeous even with a weight gain.) You're doing an amazing job in all of the important areas that keep life going and that's what matters. Big hugs to you!!!