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Sunday, June 24, 2012

Big sigh

So I know that heavenly father will not give us more than we can bear. That is the theory. Right? Ive been taught that all my life. So if I'm still breathing, I'm supposed to take it, right? I think I may be at my limit. I haven't made it thru a single day in June dry eyed. And that's unlike me. I'm wanting to stay home and not come go out. To hide. To retreat from the world. I don't sleep well at night, and when I do, it have violent or creepy nightmares.

We finally got Jakes diagnosis. Not autism. Not aspergers. He is Bipolar 2. And conduct disorder. Do you know what Conduct Disorder is? It's what they call Antisocial personality behavior in adolescents. Or in other words, psychopaths (what they called it before they gave it the PC name). The people who go on a rampage and kill their family in their sleep and don't feel remorse. They have no conscience. I gave birth to a psychopath.....

Here's what Wikipedia had to say about Conduct Disorder :

Callous unconcern for the feelings of others.

Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations.

Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them.

Very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.

Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment.

Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.

Yeah, that can definitely be jake. See why we though aspergers? And medicating for the bipolar and then the depression let the conduct disorder run wild. He became interested in people, and then used them to get what he wanted, with no reguard to them. When we last took him to the psychiatrist, she said that he had no real bond or attachment to the family. That it scary.... Very scary and disturbing. Probably why he likes the hospital so well, and doesn't mind going there so often.

Anyway, I feel used up and spent. I have nothing left to give. I am functioning on empty. CPT and Tom and Jake are at Boy Scout Camp this week. So I get a slight break. I sill have appointments and doctors appointments and am trying to get him in San Marcos. But now I have no babysitter. So I get to drag 3 little kids along. At least CPT has Jake for the week and I'm not afraid for our physical well-being...


Peggy said...

Bethany, I'll be praying for your family...you've all been though so much.

Cherri said...

I am soo sorry for your hardships. I can't imagine the pain and frustration. I also will be praying for your strength and hope for better days. I will put your family name on our temple roll in Memphis. Hang on!

WandaH said...

It is not a theory Bethany, it is a fact. Let go, let God. If he brings you to it, he will bring you through it. Put your energy into the things you CAN control and give the rest to God. My prayers are going out for you and your family.

Elaine M said...

Oh Hon - I'm just so sorry for all this turmoil you're having to deal with. You're not alone - we're standing with you and praying for you and your family. May God's grace surround you.

Dinphy said...

I feel so sad for you. What a harsh thing to hear and to handle. Hope a solution comes at hand soon for you hun. You've done all you can and more. Wishing you strenght. Lots of strenght.

Delfina von U. said...

Bethany, I'm so sorry! I'll be praying for your family.
But your son sounded like that, from your descriptions. Aspies generally don't hurt their families (I'm a mild case, I function quite well in society, haven't felt the need to kill anyone... yet. No medication either - ever!)I'm surprised it took the doctors so long to discower it. It was pretty obvious. What's up with the system?

marsie55 said...

I'm at a loss what to say to help you feel some comfort! :( I must admit I had never heard of Aspergers like Jake; but then every case is different! No wonder you have been struggling so! I can only admire how hard you have tried .. at least now you have a diagnosis, and you can take some extra steps to keep yourselves safe. I did feel somewhat creeped out when you said Jake was standing over your bed while you were sleeping. Get lots of rest; and know that you are in all our prayers. I just wish I could give you a big hug; but the biggest ever cyber hugs will have to do xxxoooxxx

Breeoxd said...

I'm so glad you've got a real diagnosis now. I've worked with many autistic and aspergers kids and adults in homes and I've never seen a violence level like Jake's. Treatment begins with finding out what's wrong, you are moving in the right direction, even if it feels like you're spinning your wheels. Good luck, we are here for you!

Blimey said...

Sending you lots of strength and positive vibes. At least you will now get the help that Jake needs so badly. As the song says, the only way is up now so I hope that things start to pick up very soon. Hugs and prayers xx

Edelein said...

Beth, I feel SO sad for you and your family, but very glad that you've gotten an accurate diagnosis. From following your family for years, this diagnosis seems to fit Jake to the "T" (aspergers never really did). I commend you and CPT for your commitment to family and the fantastic job you seem to be doing in raising your children. Unfortunately God has given you an enormous challenge but He couldn't have chosen more responsible parents. Jake is very fortunate to have you as parents. I am sure you now realize the importance of protecting yourselves and the other children. I know you love Jake, and finding the road that is best for all concerned is going to be difficult and emotionally trying. Like Footprints in the Sand, God will carry you through. I pray for you all.

SharonKay said...

OH Bethany, I am so sorry to hear this latest news. I know you are really struggling, especially with these new diagnoses. You and your family are in my prayers.

The Hills said...

Wow. I am so sorry. Just know that there are so many of us praying for you right now! And for your husband too. I hope that things get back to 'normal' soon. But for now, just reading that makes me want some chocolate.

stitchhappy said...

Bethany, I cannot imagine what you are going through. I raised a troubled teen but thankfully he pulled through in the end. He was diagnosed later in life with bi-polar disorder but is controlled with medication. It's not so pleasant when he takes himself off the meds though. Please know that while the saying goes that God will not give you more than you can handle, I don't think that's always true. I just want you assure you that while there are times when it's more than you can bear, God does not leave you on your own to figure it out. I have been through much in my life and my kids are all grown up now but we made it through. Please recognize that it's not always God at work in situations like this but rather satan trying to shake you loose from the grasp of the Master and using those you love the most to do it. I am praying for you and your family for that is all I have to offer you. Please know that while we have never met we are all part of the body of Christ and that we are sisters standing together for the benefit of your child. You have had many struggles and I know it's exhausting but you stand strong, lean on your family and friends to help you move forward if necessary. Life is the journey, not the destination and sometimes. You are not on this road alone.. Praying for you for all good things to come your way and for you to find some peace in all this. Sending you hugs and all the love your heart can hold.

Jim said...

Bethany, my heart is breaking for you and CPT. What devastating news to receive - I can't really imagine much worse. It will really be quite a faith journey you are going to have to undergo, trusting the Lord to do His will in your lives. May you feel His presence and comfort as you figure out where to go from here.

Janet said...

Bethany, I pray that God will take away the hurt you feel and give you strength to come through this. You are in my prayers.

Janet xx

Laura W said...

Oh Bethany my heart aches for you. It is hard I'm sure to see the positive in your situation but their is positive. You have a diagnosis!

That is a huge step in the right direction. Now you can get him the help he needs.

As a follower I know you are a loving mother/wife. Now you will be able to focus your time and energy on your children/spouse.

God doesn't say he'll only throw at us what we can handle, He says he will be there through all adversities-He will lead the way.

I am reading a book called Plan B by Pete Wilson you may find helpful.

As I read your blog I was promted to get his book and read the first page to you

To all who choose to believe,
in the midst of their Plan B,
that one day faith will win over doubt,
light will win over darkness,
love will win over hate,
and all things will be redeemed
and exist the way they should.

Keeping you in my prayers

Mandy said...

Bethany, I am sorry that you have all this going on with your family. I am praying for all of you and hope that you can find something that will work for your family.

another day-another memory said...

I read all the loving comments, you see Bethany you have touched all our hearts, when we dont hear from you we worry. I am so sorry that you are going through this and so sorry Jake is going through this too..I hope and pray there is help for you all..there are no words that seem right, just know Everyone is praying for you, I have a special needs child, and it started out pretty rocky before it calmed down and he is the light of my life..I hope that there is help for Jake,I cant even pretend to know about this disorder, but my heart and prayers go out to you and your family..

Stephenie said...

Praying for strength and peace for you and your family.

Tamara said...

Bethany, I read your blog most daily from all around the world in New Zealand. I am so pleased that you now know what is going on inside your sons mind. I hope and pray that you will now be able to get the appropriate help that you need.

Big hugs are being sent to you from my home.

Ian & Ruby said...

Bethany, like so many other comments I had wondered at Jake's diagnosis, particularly in recent months, and wondered if Bipolar disorder was part of the problem. I'm sorry that this is the diagnosis, but now that you know, there is the possibility for support, treatment, and understanding of why normal parenting just won't work with him. Please do not blame yourself (giving birth to him), or for that matter, Jake, as these things are evidence of the effects that Satan has had on our world. I pray that you will be able to find a way to support Jake, without putting yourself or the rest of the family, in danger. Sometimes a residential facility is the 'best' option for people who struggle with these diagnosis results. There he can be monitored, his medication can be regulated, and the normal family activities that cause meltdowns do not exist. A very structured environment, with people who care, but who are not 'hurt' by verbal attacks, or worse, can allow him to develop some skills. I hope and pray that your faith in a loving God will keep you strong. Don't be afraid to cry - there is a lot of grieving to do, over the loss of the child you thought you had, before you can come to acceptance of things as they are. Hopefully, too, there will be more support for you and your family because of the seriousness of these diagnosis. God bless.

Jennifer said...

Oh, Bethany. I don't even know what to say, once again. I can't imagine how you must be feeling with this trial. I'm putting your family's name in the temple, and I'll continue to pray for you. I don't understand, but, you ARE handling it well, in my opinion. I don't know what you could do any differently.

Lesleylynn said...

Bethany, You are in my prayers...God Bless

DeeAnneK said...

Bethany, I think we all can emphasize with you because everyone encounters challenges in this earth life we have chosen to experience. You are going through a really tough time right now but you know that Heavenly Father will lift you up and carry you though.

I have a fun little album that I love. It's called "The Ark" by Michael McClean. I listen to it when I need a lift. There is one cut on it that really strikes a cord with me. It's called Hold On. You can preview it at http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/original-off-broadway-cast/id316800886. Recently, I have found myself humming or singing the chorus at random times because I too sometimes need to Hold On.

Prayers are rising to Father for you and your family.

sdwrdt said...


The good news: You have a diagnosis. Most don't get that until WAY TOO LATE! But because you are such loving parents, you realized that something wasn't right and you kept at it. You didn't just let things go on.

Suzan a.k.a. Smurfie said...

Wow... I don't know what else to say about that diagnosis.
I'm glad you have one though and hope they can treat Jake properly now.

I do know you and CPT make amazing parents and I admire you both for handling things the way you have and will do.

Please know I'm thinking of you guys all the time!

Big cyber hugs from Holland,

deb said...

Bethany, you and your family are in my prayers. I am sorry to hear of the diagnosis for Jake but pray with this diagnosis, he can get proper treatment.

doodlingdebbie said...

Bethany, I have also read all you and yours have endured. This is so difficult for the entire family. This is Jake's reality. He cannot begin to realize it is a mental illness robbing him and his family from the joys of life. I pray, treatment will get him on his way to a normal way of feeling and thinking. At this time, the most important thing is the safety of your family. Please don't take any chances. A good mental health facility will help Jake while they figure out the best medications and therapy for him. I will pray for God's will to be done. Comforting hugs are being sent your way. xxx-Debbie

Aznewmom said...

Hi Bethany.
You don't know me at all. I just happen to be someone who has always loved your word art designs. I hadn't popped by your site in FOR_EV_ERRR, but did so today. I just now saw your post.
I am so very very VERY sorry for what you are going through. Many {{{hugs}}}} to you. I cannot imagine how hard this must be. My thoughts are with you and your family.

With Love,