Big sigh

So I know that heavenly father will not give us more than we can bear. That is the theory. Right? Ive been taught that all my life. So if I'm still breathing, I'm supposed to take it, right? I think I may be at my limit. I haven't made it thru a single day in June dry eyed. And that's unlike me. I'm wanting to stay home and not come go out. To hide. To retreat from the world. I don't sleep well at night, and when I do, it have violent or creepy nightmares.

We finally got Jakes diagnosis. Not autism. Not aspergers. He is Bipolar 2. And conduct disorder. Do you know what Conduct Disorder is? It's what they call Antisocial personality behavior in adolescents. Or in other words, psychopaths (what they called it before they gave it the PC name). The people who go on a rampage and kill their family in their sleep and don't feel remorse. They have no conscience. I gave birth to a psychopath.....

Here's what Wikipedia had to say about Conduct Disorder :

Callous unconcern for the feelings of others.

Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations.

Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them.

Very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.

Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment.

Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.

Yeah, that can definitely be jake. See why we though aspergers? And medicating for the bipolar and then the depression let the conduct disorder run wild. He became interested in people, and then used them to get what he wanted, with no reguard to them. When we last took him to the psychiatrist, she said that he had no real bond or attachment to the family. That it scary.... Very scary and disturbing. Probably why he likes the hospital so well, and doesn't mind going there so often.

Anyway, I feel used up and spent. I have nothing left to give. I am functioning on empty. CPT and Tom and Jake are at Boy Scout Camp this week. So I get a slight break. I sill have appointments and doctors appointments and am trying to get him in San Marcos. But now I have no babysitter. So I get to drag 3 little kids along. At least CPT has Jake for the week and I'm not afraid for our physical well-being...