Summer Vacation Freebie

Hey you guys :) I've been getting a lot of "Are you ok?" messages lately, so I thought I'd pop on here and let you guys know that yes, I'm ok. I'm just taking a break, I guess. I guess that's what I'm doing. Really I'm stunned with all that's happening. I'm not really sure how to process it all.

My child has Conduct Disorder. And he isn't doing well in Residential Treatment. He's been there since July 2nd. And he's been in so many fights and arguments. They've had to move him to a different unit. To one with kids more his size. The more aggressive kids. He can hold his own over there.

Family therapy is going horribly. The first session, he yelled at us all, and hung up his therapists speaker phone. The second one, he spewed profanities at his brother, Tom, and then wished his dad death wishes. We were asked to NOT bring back the younger kids after that. I've now got them all in individual therapy. It's amazing how he can terrorize us all, EVEN through a phone...

Mrs. Nance, our therapist here in El Paso, has been SUCH a great help. She is a wealth of information about Conduct Disorders. One of the therapists that has actually worked with them. She was in charge of a Psych Ward at a hospital for a few years, and has a very down to earth approach with them. She had us read the Samenow book, "Before It's Too Late" book, and it was very enlightening. She said his work and approach is really the only way to deal with Conduct Disorders. The only approach that is shown to work.

Anyway, family therapy at RTC (residential treatment center) isn't working. Jake is getting into trouble. He was caught torturing a frog (putting it on an ant hill) and also torturing lizards. And yeah, animal cruelty is NOT good....

He therapist has told us that he should NOT come back home. Because being at the RTC has only empowered him. He is not going to get better. He is a Conduct Disorder, unsocialized. That means that he doesn't need people. He has no need, no craving for contact like you or me. He has no conscious. And he is totally self center. She said if he comes back home, he will most likely kill one of us. And yeah, that is NOT good. So now I'm left with trying to find an alternative placement for him.

I went to the Social Security office and put in an application to get him deemed Disabled. Once that happens, he can qualify for Medicaid, because he is in an RTC. Then we can get him transferred to a different RTC that takes both Conduct Disorders and Medicaid. Because the one he is at now doesn't take Medicaid, and the army insurance only pays for 5 months....

So, all of that is going on. Needless to say, I'm about up to my eyeballs in stress. The stress of having a child with no hope for rehabilitation. The stress of trying to find a permanent placement. The stress of fighting with an RTC to help me. The stress of trying to pick up the pieces at home. And then trying to process all of it. I know that nothing I did made Jake this way. He is just "wired" this way. But it's still hard. I believe in hope. But it is such a hopeless diagnosis. He needs to be in an RTC until he is 18. To prevent him from harming himself or others. And then it's just a matter of time before he ends up in prison. It's hard to wrap your head around....

When I'm not spending my time thinking about all of this, the rest of the summer has been great. The kids are doing really well. I love them so much, and enjoy having them around. We have been going to the pool, hanging at home, going to the $2 movies, playing with friends, and thoroughly enjoying the summer.

Aunt Sue is coming next week for a visit, and Eme and Aunt Sue and I get to go to Albuquerque for a Miche weekend! We are SO excited. The boys are going on a Civil War weekend. School starts on the 27th of August, and I really will be sad to see the kids go back. I've enjoyed spending time with them this summer. They are a joy to have around :)

CPT made the Captains list last week, so he's really going to be a Captain!!! hehe! I'm so excited for him :)

So I know that there are a lot of good things going on in my life. And I can choose to focus on them. But even when focusing on the positive, I feel bad for doing so. Because I have a Conduct Disorder child sitting in an RTC in East Texas, not needing anyone, not changing, not ever changing, being that way for the rest of his life, because that if just how he is, and I need to figure out how to fix the unfixable problem. Because I am his mother. And that's what mothers do....

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