Ever had a crappy day without anything big happening to ruin it? Not like my cat died and I had a crappy day. Or someone stole my wallet kind of crappy day. Or I have the flu kinda crappy day. Nope, not me. I don't need anything major like that. I'm just having a crappy day to have a crappy day, apparently.
I just woke up not happy. Maybe that's the proverbial "wrong side of the bed" kind of thing. Getting into a tiff with the hubby never helps. Sigh. At least by the time he went to work we were happy with each other again. I think that's important.
I know some of you have left comments that my life is wonderful, and yeah, some of the times it IS wonderful. But you know, I have problems and my family has problems, just like everyone else's family has problems. And if you think that other people's families don't have problems, they're just better at hiding them. Honestly.
I do edit my life to make it more "reader friendly". I know, my extended family thinks that I don't "edit" enough. hehehe. And maybe that's the case. I want it to be real, without "airing dirty laundry" real. Know what I mean? That would be a WHOLE different blog, me thinks...
Anyway, things were getting me down today. Non blog friendly things. We all have them.... I'm sure there was a bit of feeling sorry for myself going on. OK, maybe a bit more than a bit. Maybe a pity party would be more the case :)
Part of the problem too was my eating. I have food issues. I know I've told you this before, but maybe not gone into details. I struggle with Bulimia. But I was never really very good at it - ROFL! Which is why I was always heavy. Leads back to the pity party, of I can't even have an eating disorder right - hehe.
Anyway, it wasn't every too out of control. If I just ate anything I wanted, I had no issues. It is when I started to diet that we'd run into problems. I'd go for 5-6 hours on a plan, eating what i should, and not be able to control myself any longer, and eat TONS of food. Then try and make myself puke. Which was never very successful. I mean, you get better, but it wasn't very effective.
But when I finally found this current diet I'm on, I went for 6 months on it, with no cheats. Which also means no bulimic slips either. When I'm on a regimented diet, and stick with it, I find I feel safe and secure, and don't "have" to purge. I know, I don't "have" to anytime, but my messed up thinking tells me it's the eating of the food in the first place that's the bad thing, not the actual purging (which I know is wrong, too).
Anyway, each time I'm on my "diet", I don't have purging issues. I lose all the weight from the diet, and from eating the right things, at the right times, in the right way. I feel proud of that fact. Which is why I need to stay on my diet. There's safety there...
I backslid a few times on this diet. I've been at 140 three different times. Once in October of 08, once summer of 09, and then now. I'm worried about the backsliding... Hopefully I'll be strong enough to keep this up.
Yesterday, when buying the ice cream for Joe's cake, which I was TOTALLY gonna eat, I started to let myself get depressed. I was afraid that I woudln't be able to stop eating the cake and ice cream. That one piece would be the "gateway drug" into sneaking the rest of the leftover cake into my room (and the ice cream) and eating it. I didn't want to do that. And so the internal battle started.
Eat the cake. Just eat one serving of the cake and ice cream. Don't touch the cake. Leave it alone. But you like cake. You made your favorite. You picked out your favorite ice cream. Normal people can eat one serving of cake and ice cream and not have issues. You must not be normal. What's wrong with you..... And it spiraled out of control from there.
I didn't eat anything that night. I'd had lunch at McDonalds, but didn't eat anything else. So not only was my head not in a good thinking place in the morning when I woke up, but I wasn't in a good physical place either. I don't know why I do this to myself...
Anyway, Captain America ironed out our "tiff", and it was late before he left for work. I printed out my shopping list for food, and headed to the store with Eme and Joe. Everyone else wanted to stay home. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, or anything. I tried to put on my happy face, but it wasn't working so well.
Plus, now that it was 11:30am, and I hadn't eaten since 1pm the day before, I wasn't feeling so good. We were out of apples, and yogurt, and cheese, and cucumbers, all the safe things that I could have eaten at home. Some in my messed up logic, I was gonna wait until I got home with the groceries to eat.
It almost did me under picking up the soda box and putting it in the cart. It was then that I realized that I needed to get home and eat. What I was doing was wrong. I needed some food.
We somehow managed to get home, and Captain America was there for lunch. He helped the kids carry in the groceries, and I laid down on my bed for a while. I got an apple, and ate it, albeit slowly. But I ate the whole thing. Captain America only had about 10 minutes before he had to go back to work, so I sat on a stool and directed the kids to put the groceries away. They were very good at helping poor, weak mom.
Once they were all put away, I got my yogurt, and had my "lunch". And in about 10 minutes, I started to feel a bit better. It's amazing what food will do for you.
I had the kids put on their swim clothes, and we headed out to the pool at around 1:15pm. Did I forget to say that Maddie's hubby, Joe, flew in last night? They'd gone to the PX for breakfast this morning, then the thrift store after that. When I headed out for shopping, they headed out to the sprinkler park, and we were gonna meet up at the pool.
But we never met up at the pool. I haven't seen them since around 11am, but I'm sure they're having a FABULOUS time with Joe (Uncle Joe). He's a good guy.
Anyway, we only stayed at the pool for about 45 minutes. Enough time to jump in and cool off, then the kids wanted to go home. And since I didn't have any friends there, or even was really in the mood to hang with friends if they had happened to be there, we left. The kids took a unanimous vote, and we came home.
And while I really wanted to lay down and take a nap, I grabbed my laptop, hooked it up to a monitor, and started blogging. But felt back because there was no pictures. Because I hadn't done anything all day picture worthy. Because I was having an "I suck" day.
But you know what? Writing all of this has been VERY cathartic for me, I think. Keeping feelings bottled up inside isn't good for anyone. And I'd been feeling like I don't have anyone close to share things with. There's only so much that husbands can handle, girl talk wise. Girl complaining. They don't really know how to best handle that. So, I'm complaining to you all. And really, writing down feelings is a good thing. Maybe not sharing them with the whole of the digiscrap community (hehe), but expressing feelings is a good thing.
Anyway, I don't know why I felt the need to "bare my soul" to everyone. That's probably a lot of info that you didn't need. But, I'm a real person, and real people have problems. Messy problems. And hopefully you understand me a little bit more now. I struggle with things just like everyone else does.
But I'm trying to work thru them. I'm trying to get better, to be better. And it's a daily process. I'm around food ALL the time. I have to make a conscious effort NOT to steal my kids food and eat it. I have to make a conscious effort NOT to make cookie dough and smuggle it in my bedroom nightly. And I've come to realize that it's just something that's gonna be a part of my life. That's just how my brain is wired. As long as I recognize that, and take steps to overcome it, and manage it, I'll be ok.
Now I don't know if I even wanna post this. Maybe I'll just go back and delete it, and start over again tonight. If you're reading this, I decided to let me internal babble stand - hehehe. I don't know, maybe someone out there need to hear this, and needs to know that they're not alone. That other people struggle with things like this too, and that you CAN do it. Maybe I need to hear that myself :)
I remember when I lived in Oregon, I had 2 miscarriages. Both at 11 weeks, and both cases, the baby had stopped growing at around 5-7 weeks. Or something like that. Anyway, it was hard, but I dealt with it well. I'm a strong person, who doesn't like showing emotion. The first time, I told EVERYONE that I was pregnant, and had to go back and tell everyone that I wasn't pregnant. That was hard.
The second time, I didn't tell ANYONE outside the family that I was pregnant, and didn't have tell anyone we'd miscarried, but I didn't have that support, either, cause no one knew... Anyway, it was hard, but I endured well, and don't really think about it with upset feelings anymore.
SO, when we moved to Joliet, I had a friend that had tried for 10 years to get pregnant, and finally had 1 baby. Then got pregnant with #2, and miscarried. And I was able to help her thru it, because I'd had miscarriages of my own. I knew what to say to her, and what not to say. What would make her feel better, and what wouldn't.
Anyway, my point with that story was, sometimes I feel like I had the experiences with the miscarriages so that I could be there to help my friend. So that I could truly have empathy for her. Because I truly had been in her shoes. And maybe that's what my eating disorder can be too. A chance to help someone else, because I know what they're going through. I want to think that I can turn it into a positive, and not have it constantly be a negative.
Wow, that was a lot. Anyway, it's 3pm, Maddie and Joe just walked in the door from where ever they were, and I'm gonna go take a shower . We're going to Chuck E Cheese tonight as a family (and with Maddie and Joe and kids and the Nouhans), and I don't wanna look like this:
hehe. At least the sad/bad feelings have mostly left :) Thanks, girls, for listening to me. I really do feel a little bit better. At lot better, actually. You all help me, you know. A lot of time I get out of bed and go places and do things JUST for you. So that I have something new and fun and exciting to report to you at the end of the day. You keep me grounded :) So, thanks to you all :)