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Friday, August 13, 2010

Ever had a crappy day without anything big happening to ruin it? Not like my cat died and I had a crappy day. Or someone stole my wallet kind of crappy day. Or I have the flu kinda crappy day. Nope, not me. I don't need anything major like that. I'm just having a crappy day to have a crappy day, apparently.

I just woke up not happy. Maybe that's the proverbial "wrong side of the bed" kind of thing. Getting into a tiff with the hubby never helps. Sigh. At least by the time he went to work we were happy with each other again. I think that's important.

I know some of you have left comments that my life is wonderful, and yeah, some of the times it IS wonderful. But you know, I have problems and my family has problems, just like everyone else's family has problems. And if you think that other people's families don't have problems, they're just better at hiding them. Honestly.

I do edit my life to make it more "reader friendly". I know, my extended family thinks that I don't "edit" enough. hehehe. And maybe that's the case. I want it to be real, without "airing dirty laundry" real. Know what I mean? That would be a WHOLE different blog, me thinks...

Anyway, things were getting me down today. Non blog friendly things. We all have them.... I'm sure there was a bit of feeling sorry for myself going on. OK, maybe a bit more than a bit. Maybe a pity party would be more the case :)

Part of the problem too was my eating. I have food issues. I know I've told you this before, but maybe not gone into details. I struggle with Bulimia. But I was never really very good at it - ROFL! Which is why I was always heavy. Leads back to the pity party, of I can't even have an eating disorder right - hehe.

Anyway, it wasn't every too out of control. If I just ate anything I wanted, I had no issues. It is when I started to diet that we'd run into problems. I'd go for 5-6 hours on a plan, eating what i should, and not be able to control myself any longer, and eat TONS of food. Then try and make myself puke. Which was never very successful. I mean, you get better, but it wasn't very effective.

But when I finally found this current diet I'm on, I went for 6 months on it, with no cheats. Which also means no bulimic slips either. When I'm on a regimented diet, and stick with it, I find I feel safe and secure, and don't "have" to purge. I know, I don't "have" to anytime, but my messed up thinking tells me it's the eating of the food in the first place that's the bad thing, not the actual purging (which I know is wrong, too).

Anyway, each time I'm on my "diet", I don't have purging issues. I lose all the weight from the diet, and from eating the right things, at the right times, in the right way. I feel proud of that fact. Which is why I need to stay on my diet. There's safety there...

I backslid a few times on this diet. I've been at 140 three different times. Once in October of 08, once summer of 09, and then now. I'm worried about the backsliding... Hopefully I'll be strong enough to keep this up.

Yesterday, when buying the ice cream for Joe's cake, which I was TOTALLY gonna eat, I started to let myself get depressed. I was afraid that I woudln't be able to stop eating the cake and ice cream. That one piece would be the "gateway drug" into sneaking the rest of the leftover cake into my room (and the ice cream) and eating it. I didn't want to do that. And so the internal battle started.

Eat the cake. Just eat one serving of the cake and ice cream. Don't touch the cake. Leave it alone. But you like cake. You made your favorite. You picked out your favorite ice cream. Normal people can eat one serving of cake and ice cream and not have issues. You must not be normal. What's wrong with you..... And it spiraled out of control from there.

I didn't eat anything that night. I'd had lunch at McDonalds, but didn't eat anything else. So not only was my head not in a good thinking place in the morning when I woke up, but I wasn't in a good physical place either. I don't know why I do this to myself...

Anyway, Captain America ironed out our "tiff", and it was late before he left for work. I printed out my shopping list for food, and headed to the store with Eme and Joe. Everyone else wanted to stay home. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, or anything. I tried to put on my happy face, but it wasn't working so well.

Plus, now that it was 11:30am, and I hadn't eaten since 1pm the day before, I wasn't feeling so good. We were out of apples, and yogurt, and cheese, and cucumbers, all the safe things that I could have eaten at home. Some in my messed up logic, I was gonna wait until I got home with the groceries to eat.

It almost did me under picking up the soda box and putting it in the cart. It was then that I realized that I needed to get home and eat. What I was doing was wrong. I needed some food.

We somehow managed to get home, and Captain America was there for lunch. He helped the kids carry in the groceries, and I laid down on my bed for a while. I got an apple, and ate it, albeit slowly. But I ate the whole thing. Captain America only had about 10 minutes before he had to go back to work, so I sat on a stool and directed the kids to put the groceries away. They were very good at helping poor, weak mom.

Once they were all put away, I got my yogurt, and had my "lunch". And in about 10 minutes, I started to feel a bit better. It's amazing what food will do for you.

I had the kids put on their swim clothes, and we headed out to the pool at around 1:15pm. Did I forget to say that Maddie's hubby, Joe, flew in last night? They'd gone to the PX for breakfast this morning, then the thrift store after that. When I headed out for shopping, they headed out to the sprinkler park, and we were gonna meet up at the pool.

But we never met up at the pool. I haven't seen them since around 11am, but I'm sure they're having a FABULOUS time with Joe (Uncle Joe). He's a good guy.

Anyway, we only stayed at the pool for about 45 minutes. Enough time to jump in and cool off, then the kids wanted to go home. And since I didn't have any friends there, or even was really in the mood to hang with friends if they had happened to be there, we left. The kids took a unanimous vote, and we came home.

And while I really wanted to lay down and take a nap, I grabbed my laptop, hooked it up to a monitor, and started blogging. But felt back because there was no pictures. Because I hadn't done anything all day picture worthy. Because I was having an "I suck" day.

But you know what? Writing all of this has been VERY cathartic for me, I think. Keeping feelings bottled up inside isn't good for anyone. And I'd been feeling like I don't have anyone close to share things with. There's only so much that husbands can handle, girl talk wise. Girl complaining. They don't really know how to best handle that. So, I'm complaining to you all. And really, writing down feelings is a good thing. Maybe not sharing them with the whole of the digiscrap community (hehe), but expressing feelings is a good thing.

Anyway, I don't know why I felt the need to "bare my soul" to everyone. That's probably a lot of info that you didn't need. But, I'm a real person, and real people have problems. Messy problems. And hopefully you understand me a little bit more now. I struggle with things just like everyone else does.

But I'm trying to work thru them. I'm trying to get better, to be better. And it's a daily process. I'm around food ALL the time. I have to make a conscious effort NOT to steal my kids food and eat it. I have to make a conscious effort NOT to make cookie dough and smuggle it in my bedroom nightly. And I've come to realize that it's just something that's gonna be a part of my life. That's just how my brain is wired. As long as I recognize that, and take steps to overcome it, and manage it, I'll be ok.

Now I don't know if I even wanna post this. Maybe I'll just go back and delete it, and start over again tonight. If you're reading this, I decided to let me internal babble stand - hehehe. I don't know, maybe someone out there need to hear this, and needs to know that they're not alone. That other people struggle with things like this too, and that you CAN do it. Maybe I need to hear that myself :)

I remember when I lived in Oregon, I had 2 miscarriages. Both at 11 weeks, and both cases, the baby had stopped growing at around 5-7 weeks. Or something like that. Anyway, it was hard, but I dealt with it well. I'm a strong person, who doesn't like showing emotion. The first time, I told EVERYONE that I was pregnant, and had to go back and tell everyone that I wasn't pregnant. That was hard.

The second time, I didn't tell ANYONE outside the family that I was pregnant, and didn't have tell anyone we'd miscarried, but I didn't have that support, either, cause no one knew... Anyway, it was hard, but I endured well, and don't really think about it with upset feelings anymore.

SO, when we moved to Joliet, I had a friend that had tried for 10 years to get pregnant, and finally had 1 baby. Then got pregnant with #2, and miscarried. And I was able to help her thru it, because I'd had miscarriages of my own. I knew what to say to her, and what not to say. What would make her feel better, and what wouldn't.

Anyway, my point with that story was, sometimes I feel like I had the experiences with the miscarriages so that I could be there to help my friend. So that I could truly have empathy for her. Because I truly had been in her shoes. And maybe that's what my eating disorder can be too. A chance to help someone else, because I know what they're going through. I want to think that I can turn it into a positive, and not have it constantly be a negative.

Wow, that was a lot. Anyway, it's 3pm, Maddie and Joe just walked in the door from where ever they were, and I'm gonna go take a shower . We're going to Chuck E Cheese tonight as a family (and with Maddie and Joe and kids and the Nouhans), and I don't wanna look like this:

hehe. At least the sad/bad feelings have mostly left :) Thanks, girls, for listening to me. I really do feel a little bit better. At lot better, actually. You all help me, you know. A lot of time I get out of bed and go places and do things JUST for you. So that I have something new and fun and exciting to report to you at the end of the day. You keep me grounded :) So, thanks to you all :)


More of Mom's Special Moments said...

Glad we got to chat for a minute Miss. . sorry you were struggling so badly. . call and chat.

Breeoxd said...

Hey hun.
Im not gonna go into too awful much, but I get how you are feeling. I was bulimiretic from 9-22 and let me tell you, being"healthy" is a helluva lot harder than being sick ever was. Now that ive stopped, am I larger? yes. Am I fat? nope. Just a nice "normal girl" weight but sometimes that all feels like too much. Too much space being taken up. And youre right husbands dont really get that- mine hunny is sweet as can be but he cant understand why going to Applebees and trying to decide can be mentally paralysing and ruin the whole night for me, and after all this time, that never quite goes away. Sigh, just gotta keep movin on I guess. Im here if you need a friend to chat with some late night :)

Allanna said...


I know that it's not easy. But I'm proud of you for being brave enough to acknowledge that you have food issues and to work your way through it. (I understand this too well, myself. Instead of purging, I just tend to get larger and larger. And then I wonder HOW on EARTH I don't manage to fit in my old clothes. Hmmm. *rolls eyes*)

But I think that it's really good that you're honest about it. And, especially, that you're trying to get these food issues under control.

I'm proud of you for being an example to your daughter and to the rest of us.

Best of luck!!

Suzan a.k.a. Scrapping Dutch Chick said...

Hi Bethany,
Thanks for sharing also this side of you with us all.
I'm amazed by how 'well' you seem to get through life with all the food problems you have. Be proud of that :) You're an amazing woman, in all prospects of the word amazing!

Take care with everything and keep doing what you're doing :)

Love Hugs

Bethany said...

Crap. I didn't mean to push publish.... I thought I was just saving this.... oh well. Its there now: ) please don't think too badly of me. :P

TeenaBugg38 said...

Hugs Bethany!!
maybe you are right about being in a certain place in your life at a certain time to help others. And keeping things in isn't good....you can't help others if they don't know what you have been thru. I think food addiction is the hardest thing in the world to overcome. I often think it would be easier, or at least more socially acceptable if i were a smoker or even a drug addict. People seem to think if you are fat you are just fat because you eat too much, or are lazy. No one thinks food addiction is real....unless you live it. And i do.......I have issues with binge eating. MAJOR issues. And like you when I am on a strict program I do well. Until something happens to stress me out and then the feeding frenzy starts. I feel your pain, really I do. Just hang in there and if you ever need to vent with a fellow foodie just holler :)

(Jen) scrapmommytn said...

You are such a strong beautiful woman! I have those days. Not the same as yours but for other reasons. You made me feel like I am not alone and Im not the only one who has these feelings. It took alot of bravery to make this post and I appreciate you showing me that other women have the same days as me. You really do rock!

Lisa Howell said...

Yes, we all have problems. Some just try to hide them. Your honesty makes you very approachable as a person and "real" as a professional...and I'm sure there are people who needed to read this who haven't yet admitted to themselves that they have a problem. I appreciate your blog...feel like I know you and your family. Like I have a friend over there in Texas!

Keep you head up, you'll get through this!

Your friend in Mississippi! Lisa

Anonymous said...

My feelings exactly... I do believe that everyting we do and experience can be very important and of benefit to others always.

leeesenkiz said...

I admire your bravery to share yourself with others. You are amazing!

Anonymous said...

Oh Bethany...

You are so awesome. Good for you for having the bravery for sharing.. accident or not. ;) I think this post will have such a positive ripple effect. I do think that you will make many feel not so alone. I appreciate your candour.. always.

I have been through some really hard things as well.. miscarriage and eatting issues included.. and I too believe we may just be given these challenges to help others in our life time. Congrats for doing so well with your diet. I think I am the same way.. I need to be told what to eat... and how much. lol Maybe I will find the strength to get back on that train one day.. and "stick with it". Hang in there ... you are an inspiration to many.


Reharn Morris said...

Sometime you just need to talk about it and this is what you did! If you bottle it up, your mind will gobble you up! I know! I struggle with weight issues, and I am stuck at the moment...I have lost 12kg in the last 6mths, but haven't really lost anything for the last 5mths. I am getting sick alot, and the doctor thinks that I have a wheat intolerance...so that is hard to deal with in my head. My head won the other night, I talked myself out of what the doctor had told me and had a big helping of wheat pasta!!...needless to say, but stomach blew up and I looked 7mths pregnant!!! And I have felt sick for days!!!!!

Chin up Bethany! Remember you are doing a good job, and think one day at a time!!!

Anonymous said...

I honestly want to thank you for this post!!! I have been trying to do the diet for 3 weeks now. Most days I do pretty good then some small thing happens and I cheat and I feel like the worst person in the world because I ate those 7 chips. It honestly helps alot to know that there are other people out there that have "food" issues too. Ruby M.

Anonymous said...

Stay strong girl. I have food issues too, I am still struggling and not making much progress. Like you I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
You are such a kind person, thank you for the encouragement.

Anonymous said...

I don't exactly know how to say this without it coming out as sounding harsh or snarky, because that is totally not the spirit in which it is intended. This is a question that comes out of a spirit of concern, so please take it in the right context, but have you considered professional counseling? Your issues surrounding food sound serious enough to warrant some professional help especially if they are affecting your mental health.

Deanna said...

Hugs hugs hugs! love you! you're very brave. yes...you are. feel better tomorrow! or don't...that's okay too. we're here to listen when you need us!!!!!

Shelia said...

Just wanted to say "thank you" for your honest post. I can totally relate. My "issue" is not with food, but sometimes I think you have to address any "addiction" with the same basic recovery/coping strategies. One day at a time. Keep your chin up, your not alone in your struggles!!!

Sue said...

I appreciate your transparency regarding this difficult issue. Along with many of your readers, I suspect, I too struggle in this area. I applaud your success.

Every one has down days. Hang in there. {{{HUG}}}

Bianca said...

What can I say? I really feel with you and thanks for sharing this, being so open! Most of the time I am checking your blog for the freebies and once in a while I read your entries. Sometimes all of it sometimes not. I am just honest, hope that doesn't disappoint you. This entry was different, not that many pictures....so I began to read, first the end of the entry, then I scrolled back to the beginning.
I really feel with you. I haven't had a miscarriage, I am overweigt (working on it right now)but never had issues with bulimia (is that the right word? I am German), but I can understand you and it must be really hard for you all the time to stay in a happy motivated mood. I
It's good that your family is there for you!!!

Wish you all the best!!!

Greetings from Germany, Bianca

Anonymous said...

Bethany~ Congrats on your weight loss and for keeping it off. I know it is no easy task. Be proud of yourself and all you have accomplished. You have a beautiful family and I look forward to reading your blog every day (I don't read anyone elses) and seeing the pics of your family. We all have goof and bad days, and sometimes feel sorry for ourselves, we are human after all. Sending you hugs and a pat on the back. Keeping you all in my prayers.

MzTina said...

Just be yourself, stay healthy and live strong!! You're a beautiful woman, no matter what size, and I'm so sorry the issues you have, are making life hectic right now, but it will get better!

klkdak0202 said...


You are AWESOME, and don't forget it!!!!!

helen scott said...

Hi Sweetheart.
Just wanted to say that i come from from the other side of this story aneorexic since 14, 6 miscarriages, 2 healthy boys, fab hubby but still need to conciously choose to do the right thing each day. Sharing is important and helps ALL of us, never feel bad about that! Be nice to yourself and accept that 1 crappy day is just 1 crappy day - not the beginging of another slip. We are all here for you. x

Mom2mykids said...

I really just want to hug you, Bethany! I really appreciate that you DID push publish, even if you didn't mean to ... it helps everyone to know what we're all human, that we have foibles and make poor decisions and then can make good decisions. It's all part of the process of life, regret, repentance, choosing to do better tomorrow. Sometimes it's all we can do to just go day by day ... goodness knows I feel that way a LOT lately. This really did help me, if only to see that other people do really struggle too, and I'm not the only one. Hugs! Thanks! Love you! Hope you come to Washington State sometime so I can meet you!! (Too bad there's not a base near me, but I'll make the time!)

deb said...

Thank you. Everything else has been said. I so appreciate your transparency. *hugs*

WillowRaven said...

I can understand what you are going through when it comes to food. I have struggled with my weight and my love/hate relationship with food since I was a child, have been on numerous diets, plans (you name it) - gained tons of weight after each pregnancy... it was discovered in 1994 that I have an actual eating disorder called "Binge Eating Disorder" and it is so difficult to have an eating disorder because you need food to survive....you can never go cold turkey and not have it or use it anymore (like, say, cigarettes) ... you stop food, you eventually die. I have been through the emotional, psychological and physical roller coaster you described (the cake) - I have had those kinds of discussions in my head over every thing that has gone in my mouth, and every time I think 'normal people can have ___" and "I must not be normal if I can't".... it spirals more down hill from that point. It's the tough part to get out of that spiral.

Just know that there are others - like me - that do truly understand what you are going through. You are not alone. You might feel bad about having hit the 'publish' button however there are usually reasons for everything, and maybe there was a reason for it. Maybe, if for no other reasons, for you and others to see that you/they are not alone.