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Saturday, March 19, 2011

A Kiss Just For You

Seriously??? You wouldn't even believe the day I had. Awful. Horrible. One of the worst days ever. And you know me. I'm happy go lucky. I'm positive. I'm fun. Yeah, not so much today. I think I sobbed all day long.... Well, not all day.

Started out ok. A girl from church and her hubby were gonna stop by and give little Joe a blessing around 9am, because he was SO sick yesterday, but he woke up better. Feeling fine. So I got ahold of her, and let her know that they didn't need to stop by.

And around 9:30am, we started on chores. The chores didn't get done yesterday, so it was pretty messy. I woke up Jake, since he was the only kid asleep, and had him get stated too. And he was SO grouchy. Overly grouchy. Extremely grouchy.

But we plugged along. I started cleaning my room, since it was pretty messy too. I got the clothes separated into piles, and I went to check on the kids. And Jake was being mean and yelling at everyone. And wasn't doing his chores well, so I had to tell him what he was doing wrong (you have to move the chairs to sweep in the dining room, or it doesn't really get clean).

And apparently, that was his last straw. Cause he snapped. He started yelling about he was DONE cleaning, and that he'd be spending the rest of the day in his room, and huffed off to his room. So I followed him up there, MAD MAD MAD.

And he locked himself inside the room. So I unlocked it, and tried to press the door open, but he was holding it. And yeah, it wasn't budging. AT ALL. Crap. Now what was I gonna do. I stood there for a little bit, and tried a few more times, to which is practically taunted me, and then I gave up and came back downstairs.

And went to my room, and prayed. I didn't know what else to do. And my next thought was that I needed to talk to someone. So I called my inlaws, but no one answered. So I texted Terra. And went back upstairs a few more times to reason with him, and he was still grouchy and belligerent.

And I couldn't take it anymore. And the waterworks started. And I cried and cried and cried. What was I gonna do with the child. I don't think I can handle many more days like these. And Terra said that she'd be right over. Cause she could tell that I needed someone.

And she came over, with a power screw drive. We were gonna get that door off! So up stairs we went, and the two of us tried to get the door open. Yeah, TOTALLY not working. And he was taunting me again. We saw that he'd propped a chair behind the door, and that's why we couldn't get it to oepn. She called her hubby to see what we should do, and we noticed out the upstairs window that he was on the balcony!!! He'd climbed out his window, and was gonna run.

Crap. And he was down, and away. Now what? We got the door open, and yup, he was gone. So we called the MP's. Because I didn't know what else to do. I really didn't. And I was sobbing again by this point.

The police came, and there were like 5 cars on our street. And they took the story, like 5 times, and wrote it all down. And tried to figure out where he'd go. And what he'd do. I really figured that he'd be close. He's not an "exerciser", and walking too far isn't his MO. But then, I didn't know for sure what he was doing.

They took a picture of him from the house, and printed up some "Have you seen this missing child" poster of sorts, and distributed it to all the MP's throughout post, and to the gate guards. And the guards at Pershing gate said that they'd seen him leave!!!! Holy crap. Yeah, that's SO not what I was expecting him to do!

The MP's said that because he walked off of post, that their jurisdiction was over, and there was nothing they could do. It was turned over to the El Paso police department, and they suggested that I drive around the blocks right outside of post.

I finished filling out all of the paperwork, and really was at a loss as to what to do. I dropped Eme and Tom off at Kari's house, and took Joe and Jim in the suburban, and off we went, to drive around looking for my 13 year old autistic run away. Sigh. Terra was driving around looking too. And MP's were stationed at the gates to wait and see if he'd come back.

I talked with my inlaws, and my mom, and my friend Andrea, on my earpiece, all the while driving around. And it was 1:30pm. And the kids were starving. So we stopped by McDonalds on Dyer, and grabbed some burgers. And I ate 3 naked burgers (without the buns). And felt sick.

And I drove around more. And more. And more. And had to pee. So I headed home. And I asked at the gate I came in through if they'd seen him, and no, they hadn't. So I went home. And pulled into the driveway. And Jacob came out of the outside shed. He said that he'd been in there the whole time. (see, my first thought that he was close was right!)

So the Gate Guards had mis-ID'd him. And I'd worried that he was roaming the streets of El Paso. I was so mad. I was so upset. I didn't know what to feel or think or do. I told him that all of the MP's on post were out looking for him, and that the El Paso police were looking for him, and that he had all of us worried. And I don't think that he really got how serious it was. I sent him to his room, and proceeded to call/text everyone and let them know that he was home.

I called back the MP's, and asked if they'd come by and talk to him. Scare some sense into him. And the MP said that because Jake is autistic, that they couldn't. Sigh. I guess I was on my own.

I called my friend Charlotte, and she said that she was coming over to bring me a DDP and visit for a while. Thank goodness! Jake came back downstairs, and had some food, and kinda followed me around from room to room. He was very contrite. And very meek. And very repentant. But I was still upset.

And I decided that it would be best for him to be in the downstairs bedroom. So that I could keep a closer eye on him. And I told Tom that he was my new babysitter. Jake was "fired". And Tom could earn some money. He'd already taken the babysitter class, so Tom is good to go! And I'm putting Jake back in Public School. I'm not gonna have a disrespectful child around.... And maybe some special ed classes will do him good. So I told him all of these plans. And he accepted them very meekly.

So we started moving around bedrooms. And that's a LOT more work than I anticipated. First we moved EVE RYTHING out of the little kids' room into the dining room. Yeah, HUGE mess.

And then Charlotte came over with her kids. And had fun playing with my kids and all of the toys in the dining room. Ha! She'd brought skittles for all of my kids, and me a 54 oz DDP. Such a life saver. He 12 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with depression, and she's been seeing a therapist on post. And she gave me the phone number. But the dude was on vacation, so I'm gonna call on Monday. And she stayed for about an hour, and we chatted and the kids played, and I got my mind off of the horrible situation that was playing out.

And then she went home, and we kept cleaning. And cleaning. And cleaning. And half way through the project, I got overwhelmed, and found myself alone in the kitchen, sobbing again. And Jake came up, and hugged me, and rubbed my back, and my arm, and tried to comfort me. I really don't know what to do with the child. I know it's the "Autism" that I'm having a hard time with, and not "him". He is a good kid. He really is.

So we plugged along. And finally, the rooms were mostly switched. The dining room is still pretty messy, but all in all, it looks pretty good. It's now almost 9pm. And the kids are eating Ramen. Because I'm not a good mom today, and I didn't cook. I haven't eaten since the naked burgers from McDonalds. Wait. I had 2 more naked burgers at home, and an apple. Does that count as food? Maybe that's why I feel like crap right now.

I need to send the kids to bed. And have a good cry. Again. And wake up refreshed in the morning. And ready for the day. Happy. And positive. And renewed. Because I can't handle another day like today. Really, I can't... Pray for me that tomorrow is a fabulous day. Because I need some fabulous-ness after the day I had today...

I made this WordArt for a homemade Valentines card for my girl, Andrea. She had a picture of her son, Ben, kissing at the camera and holding out his hand. And she glued a Hurshey's kiss to the card. It was SO stinking cutE! And I made the WordArt for it. And now you get it! So enjoy!

Click on the link below to go to my account to download the PNG file, and leave some love if you like my work. Thanks!




25 comments:

Denise said...

Will continue to pray for you and your husband. So sorry yesterday was such a horrible, rotten, no good day!Hugs!

Sherry Out Loud said...

Oh Bethany, I am so very sorry to hear of your troubles with Jake. It would be terribly hard to do what you do under the best of circumstances, and when you add in Jakes problems, it's just an unbelievable amount of stress. You are all in my prayers, and I'm sending my best wishes that today is better. You are such a GREAT mom, you love your kiddos so much, and you are raising them wonderfully - this IS the disease of Autism you are fighting, not your sweet son. Bless all of you. Please write if you need another source to vent, okay? I really mean it!

Ian & Ruby said...

I'm sorry you had a tough day - autism and teenage angst just don't go together. With Brent away, it sounds as if it all just got too much for Jake. But despite all that, I admire the way you have rethought the situation, and are prepared to make changes. It sounds as if Jake is contrite. Let's hope it doesn't happen again. Take care.

Janet said...

You have been sorely tried recently. Sending you healing thoughts.

Janet xx

macfandee said...

((( Prayers and Hugs to you Bethany ))) Hang in there, I can only imagine how tough this all must be for you. Sending you positive energy for a happy day today and tomorrow and the next day and the next and ......

Jenn Nielsen said...

Bethany, I read your blog almost every day and you seriously inspire me with your optimism in spite of all of the trials that life brings you. I want you to know that your smiling happy face and upbeat attitude does affect others - even those who live over a thousand miles away in Florida!

I am so sorry that you had a rotten day yesterday and I hope that the changes you are making do help your family. :) Again, I have to give you props for not just accepting things as they are, but seeking ways to make them better.

Oh, and your comment about being a bad mom about dinner made me snicker (sorry!). Had you put on a four-course meal for your family after a day like that, I would have thought you were Wonder Woman!

You, your husband, and your kids are in my prayers.

**hugs**

briteiis said...

Thanks for the freebie Bethany. I am glad you found Jake safe and sound. Know that you weren't the only one having a bad day yesterday (think it was the full moon) We had the 4 grandkids over so Mom & Dad could work and the middle two (boys) broke the door lock for the house. The 8 yr old locked the 9 yr old out so the older one kicked the door to get in and broke the lock..... They have ADHD & 'forgot' to take their meds... Remember though that you are doing a fantastic job of dealing with the kids by yourself while Brent is gone. You are a great Mom and your cyber friends love you!

Stephanie said...

Oh, I was crying along with you as I read your post today. Deployments are hard enough and then to add all of that today? I'm sure you were thinking, "Things would have been better with Brent here." (I would have been) I'm soooo sorry that you had to go through all of that, but thank God you have such a wonderful support net with you to help you out. I think you're doing an amazing job and I KNOW tomorrow (aka today) is going to be wonderful for you. Chin up, love! :)

CBH said...

Thank you so much for this post. I want to let you know that I posted a link to your blog in CBH Digital Scrapbooking Freebies, under the Page 8 post on Mar. 19, 2011. Thanks again.

Bit's grandma said...

Sorry you are having such a bad time with Jake right now. My heart sank as I read your blog about your day. Remember, though, that God is in control and He will see you through this, no matter what. Seek Him first and all the rest shall follow.

Sarah said...

Reading this, I teared up and felt tears fall. Broke my heart to read about a mom struggling. I hope today is better, and that the changes you plan on bringing forth help you, Jake, and the rest of your family!

Caroline Hallett said...

As Mum to an autistic son of 20 years I know what you went through yesterday - every scary earth stopping mad panic inducing minute of it xxx The challenges come and go more frequently with an Autie kid but they are worth it, because they are so special and unique. Some days they dont make it easy to love them, but its worth it in the end - hang in there - you can do it. God only gives special kids to special mums - and Autistic ones need more love - he is yours because you are capable of that love xxx

Hot Pink Pansy said...

Praying for you to have a better day. Have your Bishop give him a blessing and you a blessing. Hopefully it'll help.

October said...

Bethany,

I'm sorry you had such a rough day. A thought for you, I used to do respite care for families in similar situations as yours, helping them with their autistic children. They were often able to have the time covered by their health insurance. I had to be trained on how to best work with the child, CPR, first aid, etc., background checks (on me) and a bunch of other stuff. Then, at scheduled times EACH week I would spend time with the child, try to help them with homework, socializing, etc and just help give the parents and other children a break. I'm guessing you likely have a similar program in El Paso. It may be with the city, it may be with the military. It's called respite care. Hang in there! Praying for you all.

kathymack56 said...

Bethany, Today will a better day. God is with you. Friends are praying for you and your family. Hugs and love to you. kathy

Celticbabe said...

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time! But I am glad that Jake is safe. Please don't think you are a bad mom! I think you are pretty great! I will keep you, your husband and your kids in my prayers. Remember that Heavenly Father loves you and He has great blessings to send you everyday!

Jenn Zeeb said...

WOW, I thought I only had days like that. I just recently started following your blog and an incredably impressed with all the pic you take. I have a 13 year asberger kid and 3 others and everyday brings new STUFF. Most people don't understand. It is nice you have such good friends. I hate to say it, I would have done the same thing by moving rooms around and then have a big mess and be more upset. as my mom say "If you don't laugh, you will cry, and its better to laugh."

Suzan a.k.a. Scrapping Dutch Chick said...

What a horrible, horrible day sweetie! I got choked up myself when I read this and I gotta say that I am PROUD of how you handled things, even though you cried your eyes out. You're an amazingly strong woman, don't ever forget that. Thank goodness you have such good friends around to help you and listen to you. Really hope today will be much, much better!

Sending you much love and hugs from Holland

gr8mom52 said...

I am so sorry about the day you had. It is so hard to handle all the kids and on top a special needs child all by yourself. I think that if it would have been me I would have called my husband and given him an ultimatum, come right now or don't you dare ever show up here again. This is why I respect you so much because you are like a super charged person that can handle it all. Take care and I hope and pray tomorrow will be a better day. Love, Maritza

hillbilly.mamma said...

Maritza-her husband is deployed over seas.He has no choice but to be away.

As the parent of a special kid I can imagine the panic and terror you must have felt.
I'm glad he's home safe & I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Sarah said...

I have only just read this and my heart goes out to you. It's good that Jake was and is safe and is back home with you. I hope you can find a way to cope with the extra demands that autism puts on you all. I hope and pray that life gets easier for you (((hugs))) and much love xx

benziengirl said...

Okay, after reading this post...please, please, please try the gluten free! You won't believe the difference. I don't bring any gluten in my home. Meat and veggies is all gluten free as are fruits. We have a lot of fresh real food! Maybe plant some veggies this summer. Praying for strength for you because it is hard at first. My little guy snaps emotionally when he has gluten. My mother in law watched as he went nuts after having one little candy that had wheat in it. She gave him one, and then I said I think those have wheat...we looked, and sure enough, they did. The next 4 hours were crazy. I am not excusing your son's behavior, but this is real. I have a friend who married a military man in November and she is having a very hard time with the "single parent" aspect of it. I hope that all these people commenting will pray for your family too!

Mary said...

I am so sorry that you had such a terrible day. It must be very difficult to have a child with Autism. I can only imagine the amount of worry you had when Jake went missing. Thank God he is home safe and sound now.I will keep you, Jake and all of your children in my prayers.

deb said...

Oh my! I'm so sorry to hear about the problems with Jake. Hopefully, public school will help. *hugs* to you and keeping you in my prayers.

Starla said...

Oh, bless you for being a great mom to your kids, and getting through the hard times...with your hubby gone. You hang in there...so glad that you have good friends to encourage you and be by your side...
Starla