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Monday, September 13, 2010

I Dream

Morning, girls :) How was your weekend? Mine? Well, Sunday had it's ups and downs.

I woke up for church at 7:20am. Yeah, I wasn't feeling too well from the day before, emotionally, and Captain America was still in the field, and I'd JUST agreed to go and get some help and find someone to talk to, and yeah, I didn't know if I wanted to face people.

But I hoped out of bed, said my prayers, and jumped in the shower. I listened to a Conference talk while getting ready, and fixed my hair and make up, and it actually turned out looking pretty cute. And I thought, well, I CAN'T waste a good hair/make up day at home, so I might as well go to church. Yeah, not the most noble or righteous of intentions, but hey, it was getting me to church, right?

Joe wasn't feeling well, and I was gonna just let him snuggle with me all through church. No primary classes for him. We got to church, found our seats, and yeah, it went downhill from there.

OK, now don't think I'm crazy (ok, maybe I am a bit crazy), but I have to tell you about Phil. I KNOW that many of you have a Phil. That negative voice inside your head. Whaaaat? You didn't know his name was Phil. Hilary has a negative voice inside her head too, and we decided to name him. Our husbands just call him Satan, but yeah, we're going will Phil. hehe.

Anyway, I guess Phil didn't like that I was going to church, and especially didn't like that I was gonna go get some help. He REALLY didn't like that. And did a number on me during Sacrament meeting. Yeah, by the time it was over, I was gonna find rides home for my 4 other kids, and take sick Joe home. Cause I just coudln't be there anymore. I was feeling awful.

BUT, Captain America texted and said that he was gonna be home for an hour and a half, right after Sacrament. That I should get the kids and we should all come home and we could have a Family Home Evening, and we could hang out with him for a while.

So after Sacrament, I gathered up the kids and headed home. And I didn't feel too good. I couldn't even smile. I hate it when I get like that. Stupid Phil!

Captain America went back to work around 2pm, and Hilary texted to see how I was doing. Not great. She came over, and we went for a drive, and talked. It helps talking to her. She has a "Phil" too, and has eating issues as well. So she understands what I'm going through.

Anyway, after our drive and our chat, she dropped me back off at home, and I got the house straightened back up again, and the kids and I got ready to go to the Nouhans for dinner. Hilarys husband is in the field too, so we decided to do Sunday dinner together with all million of our kids. OK, so only my 5, her 3, and a neighbor kid. What's that, 9? We made pancakes and eggs and fruit salad. I think everyone liked it.

We hung on the back porch for a while, and watched kids playing outside and in and out and all around. Busy children - hehe.

We headed home, and I put kids to bed, and stayed up WAY too late. Yeah, I'm gonna be tired in the morning. Maybe Phil will be tired too. I sure hope so. I don't think I can handle another day with him... But Monday is that day that I'm supposed to go seek some help. I'm not sure what that all entails. My friends are gonna help me. Captain America is still in the field, and I need to text him tomorrow and see what he wants me to do too. As long as I don't have to make a phone call, I'm all good.

I hate talking about my problems, you know. I never know what to say. We always wanna downplay our faults. Or gloss over them. Or ignore the bad things. Yeah, if I'm getting help, I don't think that's gonna work. Hmpf!

But I told Captain America and my friends that I'd go, so I'm gonna go. As much as I'd like to run, I'm gonna go. And I told ALL of you that I'm gonna go. So I'm gonna go. See the pep talk. I sure hope it works, and I don't end up running away (hehe). If you don't hear from me tomorrow, you know Phil got the best of me - ha!

Click on the link below to go to my account to download the PNG file, and leave some love if you like my work. thanks


Linda Fulghum said...

I read you every day and wish you all the best! You are doing a good thing - for yourself and for your family

CBH said...

Thank you so much for this post. I want to let you know that I posted a link to your blog in CBH Digital Scrapbooking Freebies, under the Page 7 post on Sep. 13, 2010. Thanks again.

Craftymumz Creations said...

I have a "Phil" too and sure do wish he'd go away for good! Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart! Where?! Down in my heart Down in my heart to stay.

And if Phil doesn't like it he can sit on a tack! Ouch! Sit on a tack! Ouch!

Marilou said...

Hey girl.. hang in there. Hopefully you'll soon be able to get in to see someone who can help you figure out how to chase Phil away for good!!

Thank you, even in the middle of your problems, that you continue to make us pretties!! Big Hugs...

Celticbabe said...

Thanks for the word art, Bethany. I admire you for making the decision to go and get help. It is easy to just let things go, to not change for the better things that are not going right. It takes strength to come to the knowledge that you cannot change some tings on your own. It takes strength and courage to make the decision and follow through on it to ask for and get help. Hold on to that courage and strength! I know you know that nothing that is worthwile is easy to obtain. The blessings that will come when you get help and change whatever is plaguing you will be far more than you can imagine. And He won't bless only you. The blessings your husband and children will recieve will be of far more worth the pain, fear, and discomfort you will and are facing. Remember that you are a beloved daughter of God and fear is unworthy of the Children of God! You can do it, Bethany!

deb said...

Thank you! Great word art!

Peg said...

I enjoy reading your blog every day and hope that you talk to someone who can help put Phil in his place! Hugs to you!! And thank you for the wonderful word art!

Sharon in MI said...

I'm so glad you are going to talk to someone tomorrow. Maybe it would help to print out some of your blog entries as a sort of introduction if you aren't comfortable talking about the stuff (I know I'm not, even with my own hubby!!). God bless!

Anonymous said...

First, thanks for the Word Art - reminds me of Bobby Kennedy (Yes, I know I'm old, I was in my 8th grade English class hoping the kid before me would take a long time giving his oral book report so I could have an extra day to finish mine when the office started broadcasting the radio reports that JFK had been shot.)
Bethany, have you talked to your Bishop? If he's not what you need (although I figure Phil would really be peeved if you did that) your Bishop can give you a referral to LDS Family Services. It's there as a resource for us in times of need and you are obviously in a time of need. On top of that, you can't beat the counselors' hourly rates!

Hang in there and get some help - I've been through that myself and now I can see how I should have been asking for help as I was sliding down into the depths of despair.

You are in our thoughts and prayers.

ScrappinQT said...

Hey Bethany, I agree it's good to get help. I am getting help to, but "Phil" keeps getting in the way of things and causing me to push it back, so I haven't been able to talk to my counselor for a couple weeks now, but I am hoping I will soon.
In some way you have been wounded deeply and food seems to soothe the pain for a little while, but then you have the side effect of too much soothing..and then depression comes in. And so the cycle goes..... In order to stop the cycle and truly heal the wound, you have to dig out the infection....and that will HURT! But you know it will be good for you! When you want to run the other way, pray God will give you His strength and turn the other way! "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:13

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you are getting some help. This will pass. Celticbabe said it well. I sat and cried for over a year when my estranged daughter kept my beloved granddaughters form me. I rarely left the sofa. My husband did everything. I sought counseling and a year on anti-depressants got me over it. I realized I was the only one who could make me happy! I will pray for you and your family. A HUGE hug from me! Crabcakes

Anonymous said...

Bethany, reading your posts over the last few months I have concern for your health. I think part of your problems are all the diet soda you are drinking. It is poison! Dr. Mercola.com is the #1 internet alternative medicine site. Please listen to what he has to say. He has a whole section on diet sodas. You need to stay away from all additives and preservatives in your food. It will help you. Get well...and God bless. cg