Today I got a call from a number I didn't know, so I let it go to voicemail. My thing is, if it's important they'll leave a message. Well I got a message and I listen to it and about started to cry! It was Bethany calling me and I just missed her call! She knew I wouldn't answer a number I didn't know, so she left a message so when she tried to call again, I'd know it was her. She sounded good on the voicemail but I was super sad I missed her call! I was with Aimee so she pouted right along with me.
I wasn't going to be seeing Bethany today since she only gets an hour for visitors and I didn't want to take up any time for her and Captain America. Captain America did tell me last night that I can go see her one night but to let him have a few nights first. But of course! And if she is allowed to call, and she calls me, then I'm good with that too! But I'd really like to see her as well.
A few hours later I got another call from Bethany and this time I answered it. I chatted with her for a little bit. She assured me that she was doing good and she wasn't just putting on a "happy" voice. And then it occurred to me that I really didn't know if she was just telling me that or not. You see, I can tell from her texts and in person when she is hiding something from me. But this was THE first time I have had a real conversation with her on the phone. We usually text or we're with each other. So I decided today, as much as we really don't like talking on the phone, that I am going to have to actually call a few times to her instead of texting. Texting is great and all, but sometimes you really ought to listen to a person's voice. Did that make sense?! So Bethany, if you read this when you get home, be prepared to get a few phone calls from me!
I wasn't home to access the computer to see how many people had commented. I told her that this morning before I left there were about 109 comments not including the ones in my email. I told her that I was positive there were more since it had been a long while since I checked. She was very touched by the responses. I wanted to be able to read her a few of them, but I just summed it up with what everyone was basically saying: "Get well, you are loved, you are in our prayers, we miss you!" I told her she had a great group of people following her and loving and supporting her. She wanted me to tell all y'all THANKS! I think it choked her up a bit, to be quite honest with you.
So she told me that she had a few pages written that she wanted me to put on her blog. So tonight when I saw Captain America, he handed me the papers. Yeah, there is more than a COUPLE of pages. Try 7 pages! hehe! I'd write a 100 pages for her if that is what she sent home! So I'll shut up now and start typing out what she wrote.
Oh quickly, I want to clarify something first. She says in the letter that she told me at 9:00 that she was wanting to take some sleeping pills and such and that I got there about 10:00. Ok, yeah no that isn't how it happened! I'd have NEVER taken an hour to get to her unless I was an hour away! I texted with her about 9:00ish and she said she wanted to take the day off and lay in bed. After chatting a bit with her, nothing seemed out of the ordinary so I told her I was going to do a short workout and then I'd check on her again. After my workout is when she told me that she had been fighting the urge for 2 hours to take sleeping pills and to hurt herself. RED FLAG! I threw on a hoodie and sped over to her house in my stinky, sweaty workout clothes. It was THE longest drive. I made her text with me the whole time and I got to her house only about 10-15 minutes after (we don't live right by each other). So, yeah, I have the texts to prove that I didn't make her wait an hour! I didn't want y'all to think I was that horrible as to do that! :-)
Hello Everyone! Wow, you know when I woke up Tuesday morning, I had no idea I would end up sleeping in a mental hospital! LOL! And no, it wasn't a dream. Sigh. What a crazy few weeks it has been.
So I woke up Tuesday morning feeling down. I got kids ready for school and out the door. We were running low on groceries, and I just didn't have the mental energy to do it. I was a little short with the kids, but did manage to have family prayer with them. That's good, right?
So after they leave on the bus, I put in a movie for Jimmy and lay back in bed. And I am miserable. And don't want to do today. I just wanna go back to sleep and make it go away. And I really, really wanted to take a few OTC sleeping pills to make sure I slept. So I laid there for almost 2 hours trying to decide what to do.
Part of me wants to take them and sleep. The sad part. The hurting part. The rational part of me said to call Hilary and tell her how I felt because I knew that she would be right there to help me. Because that's how good of a friend she is. She's worried about me. And honestly, I guess I've given her cause to worry as of late.
So finally, at 9:00, I tell her. And she comes right over. By 10 AM she's there and helps get Jimmy ready for school and got him to the bus, and directs me to shower and get ready for the day. So I showered and put on makeup and fixed my hair real nice and put on my new clothes from yesterday's thrift store trip. Even though I felt like crap on the inside, I looked pretty on the outside. That's gotta count for something.
We stopped at Circle K just outside the gate for a refill and headed to Hilary's house. She recognized that I needed to get out of the house. Captain America called while she was getting ready and we talked. He was back on post from the field, and I filled him in on how bad I'd really gotten. I'd practically stopped eating. I even passed out on Monday morning while trying to get something out of the fridge. I know, not good.
And about how I'd been hurting myself when I got upset. In the past week, I've scratched both arms so bad that it left marks, and hit myself on the forearm so much that it left a HUGE bruise. At the time, I was thinking that if I hurt myself, the pain inside over whatever I was feeling would be less. And right after I did it, I did feel better. Messed up, I know.
Anyway, I filled Captain America in and he said that he was taking Hilary and I to lunch at Carlos and Mickeys and that we were both eating. She finished getting ready and we drove to the restaurant to meet him. He was already there and had a table and had ordered for us. And I stressed about the salad the whole time. I don't even know if it was good. But I made myself eat the whole thing. Sigh. My stomach wasn't liking it. And now the "just go puke it up" feeling was back. Sigh.
After lunch we dropped by Howdy's for a soda for Captain America. Then Hilary went to do errands and I went with Captain America. He was worried about me and didn't wanna wait until Tuesday for me to be seen. He took me to ACS to talk to a counselor. And I just sat there and cried while they talked about me for 5 minutes. Why do I do that? So the counselor recommended that I go to the hospital. Whaaaat? Yeah, that's not what I wanted to do. Why did I tell anyone in the first place?
So we stopped at the house to see Jake and Jim real fast, then went to the mental hospital. We'd called insurance real fast to make sure it was covered, which it was, and went in. I wasn't too happy with Captain America. I know he was trying to help me. And part of me was glad. But the other part was pissed off that I had to be there. And I think that he was getting upset with me. Sniff.
We waited forever in the locked waiting room. And I had a good time watching the crazy people trying to escape. Especially this one old dude in a wheel chair who kept trying the doors and when someone would go or come, he'd try and get out then yell at people. They eventually took him upstairs.
So finally it was our turn. I went in by myself and talked with the lady and she said it sounded like I had depression. But the thoughts at "the world would be better off without me" made her want to admit me for a week. Note to self: Don't say that in a mental hospital unless you want to be admitted. Sigh. They did have a 1 week outpatient program from 9 AM - 2 PM, but she and Captain America felt that it would be better for me to stay. :-(
I really didn't wanna stay. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be in my own home with my own family, in my own bed. Not with a bunch of doctors and nurses and people I don't know. Hmpf! I guess part of me was resigned to the fact that this was what would help me, but I didn't have to like it!
So I hugged Captain America goodbye and a lady took me upstairs. That was about 8:30 PM and I was scared. Captain America was able to take emergency leave to be with the kids and Hilary was gonna help too.
So I got upstairs, and they show me the unit that I'll be in. And my room and give me bedding to make my bed, and shampoo and a toothbrush and toothpaste and junk. I dropped it off in my room and went back to the common area. About 5 people there befriended me. They seemed like nice people. Most were in for depression also.
The military unit is in the same wing as us, and that kinda makes me uncomfortable. When I go to the desk for things, I don't like being looked at by them. One of them actually asked to go for a drink with him. Are you freaking kidding me?! Sigh. This is NOT what I needed.
We went down to the gym for free time and I was able to use the phone to call Captain America. There were a few things I needed. Contact stuff, hair band, clothes, books. He said he'd bring them up.
And then the rest of the evening was free time. And I had nothing to do. I didn't like it. I chatted with people, and tried to make the most of it. But all the unstructured time is not good for me.
Some dude on the military side freaked out and started yelling and throwing stuff and breaking things. That was scary. I'm not happy about having them right here. Or about having men and women together on the same floor. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I don't like it.
So all of the people in the adult side seem real nice. They told me what to expect and not to worry. And I saw that things don't run too smoothly. They called me down 9 times to get my blood pressure, then just left me standing around. So I eventually wandered back to the group. Never did I get it taken that night.
People started going to bed around 10 PM, but I still didn't have my stuff. No clothes. No jammies. No contact stuff. No socks. Sigh. So I hung out for an hour and a half at the nurses station bugging people. I called Captain America to make sure he'd done it. And he hadn't, he said he'd do it right now.
By 11:30 someone finally found me a pillow, a contact case and contact solution. I never got my stuff. Or a sleeping pill, which I was suppose to get. So I went to my room and tried to sleep. My roommate snored so I listened to her and slept in my jeans. Sigh. It took me a long time to fall to sleep. And at 5 AM they woke me up to take my blood pressure. And then told me to go back to sleep. So I laid in bed for 2 more hours until 7 AM. Sigh.
I got out of bed, peed in a cup for the nurse, put my contacts back in, brushed my teeth and went to look for my stuff. No stuff. So I calledCaptain America and asked him if he brought my stuff and he said he dropped it off at 11 PM. Hmpf! So my stuff was here before I went to bed, and they didn't give it to me. I was beginning to see how this place worked.
Oh yeah, I forgot that last night while waiting for my contact stuff the medical doctor saw me. He was pretty cool. He'd gone to Weber in Utah and had a brother who was a bishop. He said he didn't usually see officers or their dependents in here. Sigh. Yep, I guess I'm the oddball.
So at 8:30 AM we went down to breakfast. In my same clothes. Oh well. It smelled nasty. I got a scoop of eggs and a skim milk. I'm gonna try to eat more while here. Try...I ate 1/2 the eggs and 1/2 the milk and 2 Diet Pepsi's. I needed the caffeine.
And then I was freezing. I had no hoodie. And chugging soda wasn't helping. I shivered and did my best.
I stopped by then nurses station on the way back to ask about my stuff. Still nothing. Sigh. I did ask for pencil and paper, which I got. Besides the phone withdrawals (HA!) I was going through blogging withdrawals. I needed to journal my time here. So I sat down at the table outside my room and started on this. And had to write SUPER SMALL because I only got 2 pieces of computer paper.
I wrote and chatted with others for a while. People were getting called away for meds, but not me. I hadn't seen the doctor yet. Eventually I got called down to see the psych. He seemed nice enough. Not as nice as the medical doctor, but good.
We chatted about why I am depressed and why it started. Really, I've had low self esteem for a long time, but an incident back in late June was really when it started to go downhill. I don't think I ever really forgave myself. And it fell apart from there. I was all sad and weepy and stuff but I said how I was feeling.
He asked how I felt about meds and I said I had never taken them before, but DID NOT want to take anything that would make me gain weight. After losing 110 lbs, yeah, that wasn't an option. He recommended Prozac. That just sounded scary, but whatever. I'll do what they tell me.
So I ask again about my stuff and apparently they've found it, but I still can't have it yet. I sat back down near my room and wrote some more. It was helping me make it through. Keeps me busy.
Finally, someone came with my clothes. Yeah, I was glad for clothes, but really wished I could have picked it. I was glad I got my Paramore shirt and my Alice in Wonderland shirt. And the swimsuit would prove to be good too.
I do need more socks. And a warmer hoodie. And a few minutes later they found my toiletries! My contact stuff and my makeup and my hair bands. I was grinning from ear to ear. Seriously!
I put on a new shirt (the Paramore one), a long sleeve shirt and new flip flops, a hair band, and we headed to Faith Based Group Session. Basically they took the AA 12 Steps and made it churchy.
Really it was good. We got through 4 steps and each time a different scripture popped into my head that went with it, so I guess Heavenly Father was helping me.
We headed back, and I found a real treat on my bed. A leather bound folder with a TON of paper, a few pencils and pens, some book, MY NEW GREEN HOODIE! A family picture and a short note from Captain America. I was so excited!!
We had a few minutes to change clothes and head to the pool. Perfect timing! :-) I put on my suit, a hoodie, some sweats, flip flops and grabbed a towel, and headed to join the group.
On the way, they said I had a phone call. Huh? I answered it in the hall and it was some chickie. Yeah no clue who it was but I played along. I don't know why, but I went with it. She wished me happy birthday and said that I sounded different. I told her I had to go and she wanted to know when to call back. 8 PM, I told her. Who the crap was that?!
On the way to the pool, I realized that the girl who used to me in my room was also named Bethany. HA! That was HER phone call!
Anyway, went to the pool with the group. Me and one other girl were the only ones with swim suits. I didn't care, they had a hot tub, and I was freezing! That should warm me up.
It really did feel nice. I even got in the pool and swam for a little while. Then back in the hot tub. I was nice and warm as we walked back to our rooms.
I changed into new clothes, and got ready for lunch. I tried calling Captain America, but no answer. I tried calling Hilary, but no answer. Sigh. I'll try again later, I guess.
We headed to lunch at 12:15. And I was stressing it. I need to start eating more. So I took a big helping of cooked veggies and a slice of pork. I ate all the cauliflower and the zucchini and about 5 bites of the pork. It was kind of dry. I choked it down though.
I found out they had a salad bar, and grabbed a few cucumber slices, a tomato wedge and some other veggie but can't recall right now. And two Diet Pepsi's. Gotta keep up with my diet soda habit, you know!
Came back from lunch, and decided to go with the smokers to smoke break. Hey, it was sunny and warm outside. And I like sunny and warm!
I didn't like all the smoke, but had a nice chat with another lady who doesn't smoke either. After about 15 minutes, we headed back up, and now I'm caught back up! 1:27 PM, and I'm waiting to use the phone to call Captain America. We go back to group real soon. I'm getting used to things here. There's a lot of do nothing time, which I don't like so much. But I do like it better now that I have paper. And my hoodie!
And I'm starting to process what happened. Yeah, life wasn't so bad. This place is bad. Not having my family is bad. Not having my friends is bad. Having no choice is bad. But I'm making the most of it. I have books to read. And scriptures. And I'm praying more. Because that's good for me. And I need to start doing things that are good for me! :-)
So I waited for a chance to use the phone before group, but two other people were before me, and by the time I got to the front of the line, it was time to go.
We're at group now, talking about choosing to be happy. Be happy regardless of the situation in which you find yourself. Yeah I really like that! I'm finding myself wanting to be happy. Choice theory, how we need to choose how we feel and what we do. Sounds very simple, and it is in theory, but we need to do it in practice.
Ok, so after group we came back, and I tried to use the phone again. And it was open AND I got a hold of Captain America and chatted for a while AND Hilary for a while. It was nice to hear from home and friends. I hope that everyone is doing well.
I had someone grab me an apple form the military side, and I made myself eat it. Because I know that I have to eat.
We all went and sat and chatted for an hour or so before dinner. This one dude talks a lot, but has entertaining stories. LOL! He just needs to take more turns. Hehe. So there's 3-4 people going home tomorrow. People I like. Hmpf. Hopefully the new people who replace them are nice.
We went to dinner a little after 5 PM. And it smelled nasty. Chicos Taco like tacos, rice, beans, baked potatoes and fish. Yeah, I went with the fish. And a salad and cucumbers. I didn't eat it all, but I tried. That's good, right? I did eat 3 meals today, which is A LOT better than I have been doing.
I forgot to say that they gave me my pill. Hehe. Yeah I'm not sure what I think about it. But I'm going with it. I asked more about it and swallowed it. We'll see how it goes.
Ok, back to dinner. I was feeling pretty good. The group sat together and we chatted and ate. I like the group. I wish I had my camera to take pictures. I'm feeling like taking pictures now.
So back to the ward and more hanging out. And more chatting. Honestly, the chatting is helping more than the group. I think it makes you realize what you have. And I'm feeling good. Laughing. Smiling. I like it! :-)
I'm waiting for visiting hour to come. I'm gonna give this to Captain America to give to Hilary to put on my blog. So you will know where I am, and what's going on with me! :-)