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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Hey Guys! Freebie

Hey guys!  Ha!  Just like the WordArt, right?  hehe.  So I didn't blog yesterday, because I was out on a date with my husband.  And I figured that was worthy of no blogging, right?  Am I right?  hehe.

I told you that we've been having a rough patch.  Well, I believe that when you have a question, you should pray about it.  Ponder it.  Formulate you own answer in your mind, then pray about whether or not that answer is the right one.  How else will you know if it's correct, right?

So, my question on Friday night was, should I stay with CPT.  I was tired of all of the crap.  All of the fighting.  And I tested out the "leave" option.  I prayed about it.  About making up my mind to go.  And ALL weekend long I felt like crap.  Sick, headaches, down in the dumps, unmotivated to do anything, a-social (because anti-social is what Jake is - hehe), weepy, broken hearted.  Yeah, not liking the feelings that came with the testing out of the choice to leave.

Sunday, we had Stake Conference.  I blogged about that already, and how it was cancelled, and we went home early.  And had the rest of the day at home.  And I felt horrible.  I took some cold meds, and ended up sleeping on the couch most of the day.  CPT played board games (RISK) with the kids, and they had SUCH a wonderful time.  I  really like watching his positively interract with the kids.

Jake volunteered to clean the backyard.  It was one of the things that we were dinged on from housing.  CPT and the kids got a fire going in our fire pit, and burned a lot of the wood laying around.  Jake put in a lot of work, and the backyard looked SO much better when he was done.

At the end of Sunday, right before I went to bed, I pondered on my experience over the weekend.  It was an answer to my prayer.  I am a very feeling based person.  Emotion based.  Whereas CPT is logical.  Thinking.  When I pray, I get answers through emotions.  I feel a certain way.  When we were looking to buy our house in Chicago/Joliet area, I was sick the whole day, EXCEPT for the time that we looked at the house that we bought.  I felt that that meant that we were to buy our house that we bought.

So, because I prayed to know if my choice was right or not, and I felt extremely crappy and uncomfortable and unhappy all weekend long, I KNEW it was the wrong answer.  I went back to my room, and prayed again.  This time about staying.  About renewing my commitment to make it work.  To trying harder.  To doing whatever I could to make this marriage good again.  And I knew that it would be ok.  I still kinda felt sick.  I knew that wouldn't instantly go away.  But my heart felt less troubled.  And my anxiety went away.  I felt less sad.  I felt comforted.  It was definitely an answer to prayer!

CPT was deep in a game of RISK with 3 of the kids, and I didn't wanna bother him.  I was about ready to pass out because of my cold meds (and it was my bedtime), so I typed him up a quick email with my apologizes for the weekend and my prayer experience, and I went to bed.

Monday, the kids had the day off, and so did CPT.  I had a 9am with our therapist.  I told her about my experience, and she was very understanding.  She thinks its great that we are so devoted to our religion.  I don't know how many active members of the "Mormon" faith that she's known :)  Our faith is important to us!

Anyway, she told me that it took us 16 years to dig ourselves into the mess of a marriage that we made (very true), and a few counseling sessions will not dig our way out.  It's gonna take a lot of time and effort and sweat and tears and clawing our way out.  OK, I can buy that.  Makes sense.  She said we will have to fight tooth and nail to save this marriage.

We didn't know each other when we got married.  Not at all.  I made CPT my life for years and years and years.  Not his fault, not my fault, just what we did.  And when I got on my meds, I broke free from that.  I found that I could have my own personality and life.  But I cut him out.   And now I have to find a way to let him back in.  And it's gonna take work.  On both of our parts.  Me letting him in, and him not getting offended he isn't my whole world.  Paradigm shift.

Anyway, before I'd left for therapy, I'd asked him if he wanted to go on a "date" with me, and he said yes.  When I got home, he was exercising, and as soon as he got home and showered, we headed out.  The kids started on lunch, and had big plans for games and movies and such for the day.  hehe.

First, we went to Jasons Deli for lunch.  SUPER yummy!  Love it!  He had a Reuben with extra meat, and I had a California Chicken something or another on a croissant with a side salad.  LOVE that place.  Next, we went to see Beautiful Creatures in the movies.  NEVER heard of that one before my mom said she went to see it on Friday.  It was really good.  So it's a book series?  Should I read it???

Next, we went to Michaels to get a frame for a drawing that CPT had done for a going away gift for a guy in his unit.  He needed to finish it tonight.  He does such a good job.  Then, we headed home.

And we got there just in time.  There was a slight melt down going on.  Jake and Joe.  But we caught it just in time.  The internet wasn't working, so I couldn't get the texts from the kids' iPods telling me that there was some tension.  We called Time Warner to get it straightened out, and got a run around.  It was the Router.  No it's the Modem.  No its the internet.  Sigh.  Get it straightened out, people!

Anyway,  CPT and I ended up having a really good day together.  He's still a bit "guarded" with me.  Lois, the therapist, said that he would be.  He's afraid of emotions.  He keeps it in the intellectual realm.  She said for me to pretend that I don't notice it, and try and connect with him on an intellectual level.  Because I was gonna have to put myself out there first.  And I could do that.

We talked about his "OCD" stuff.  And just having her acknowledge it helped.  The fact that I'm not crazy and imagining it goes a LONG way.  She said that we have to get the relationship good before we can work on it, though.  I'm cool with that.  I can do that.  As long as I can see the hope in the future.  That's all I need :)

Click on the link below to go to my account to download the PNG file, and leave some love if you like my work.  Thanks!


HighDesertGal said...

Hey Gal, YOU CAN DO THIS! I know the covenants you have made and it is worth it. Now, Later and Forever.
Glad you are back!!
Nancy in Albuquerque

marlin said...

So glad you are back...missed you!

Celeste said...

One step at a time! Trying to fix a whole marriage is daunting, I know! But when you take it piece by piece, the others start falling into place!

Lainie said...

Marriage is a lot like a knitting pattern Bethany. If you read the whole thing, you think I can't do this; but if you just do it, one row at a time, you end up with a beautiful item. I'll be praying for you.

Beckey said...

Hugs and prayers for you Bethany. I know you can do it!

Julie said...

Wow, the Capt is *really really* good at drawing! Does he do it often? It could be a great outlet for his OCD (that drawing is incredibly detailed). I'm glad to hear he and the kids had a good time playing Risk, and cleaning up the backyard. I hope he realizes eventually (sooner rather than later) that a wife who is her own person is a better partner through life. He can't be your whole focus; are you his single focus? No? Either way is unhealthy.

You are such a strong, courageous person, Bethany. You really put yourself out there. You and your entire family deserve to be happy and have equilibrium in your lives.


Christina's Creations said...

Glad to hear you had a good day with CPT. Whether things work out or don't, I hope you find peace with your decisions. Much love... <3

Tink said...

U OK? where have u been??

ApriltheScrapaholic said...

Thanks for the wordart. Love it. Missed you. Been wondering how you were doing. I've noticed your readers have given some good advise. Take it from me a widow, if you love him you should try to make it work. But you do need to be your own person as well as he. You need to be two individual people who love, trust and depend on each other. But you need your own space/time too. That's the way me and my hubby were. I'd give anything to have him back. I'm wishing you all the lucky and still sending lots of prayers to you and yours. Take care Bethany and stay stong. :) april aka ApriltheScrapaholic

Beckey said...

Sure do miss you Bethany. Please check in just to let us know you are ok....hugs to you.

Marilyn said...

So sorry to hear you are quitting designing. I miss your word art and your blog. I pray all is going well for you. If you can let us know. Thanks again

Scarab said...

Thank you for the wordart!♥